2018 was... well, it was a rough year.
I started the year tracking how each day went - great, good, okay, bad, awful - like I did in 2017. But after February, I stopped. After February, the rest of the year just sort of happened and I'm not really sure how. After February, I would have good or even great days, but they still felt like they were tied to a rock of numbness, pain, sadness. After February, I feel like I just sort of floated through, did what I needed to survive but nothing more. All of which is completely understandable.
But after reading a recap of 2017, I decided I wanted 2019 to be better. I need it to be better. For me. For Jacob. And with that, I knew my 2019 Word of the Year needed to be FOCUS.
This year, I'm going to focus on those things that I need in order to feel like I'm actually doing and living again. I'm going to focus on my health. I'm going to focus on being a better parent to Jacob. I'm going to focus on spending more time with God. I want to be more intentional with my time and focus.
I realize that 2019 will still be hard in many ways that it was in 2018. There are still so many feelings and things to process. But I need to focus on that as well, work through it, instead of just letting it happen.
So I'm going to focus on the things I can change in 2019. Focus on intentional. Focus on Jacob. Focus on me. Focus on God. Focus on being present. Focus on doing better. Focus on my goals. Focus on family and friends. Focus on love and happiness. Focus on what's most important to me.
Focus.
At the beginning of the year, I determined my Word of the Year was going to be Hope. You can read all about why I chose this word in my first blog post of the year. Even with that initial blog post, I'm not sure I had much conviction about why HOPE was my 2018 Word of the Year.
As I reflect back on this past year, I struggled to understand why HOPE was the my word. Why was I called to have that word surround me? What was the point? The meaning?
Especially as this past year, there were moments when I've never felt more hopeless. There were moments that hope seemed like the farthest thing possible. Instead there was pain and sadness and grief and anger. This past year was a year where a person I love decided to give up all hope.
It felt at times that my word was only taunting me. Reminding me of the things I lost, the things I'll never have. Dangling just out of my reach.
Until now. During this advent season. When I read an advent devotional*. Below are the words that spoke out to me.
In the midst of a world of fear, we can still keep the faith. In the midst of darkness, we can still know light. During a time of sorrow, we can still find joy.
All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope.
Without hope, we get stuck in this anger and it simply leaves a path of destruction in its wake. But when we hope, we also find the courage to act, to speak, to believe and even to wait.
At the top of the page in the devotional book, I circled the word HOPE in the title. Next to it I wrote "my 2018 word of the year, still don't know why" before reading the rest of the devotional.
And it was when I read this sentence: "All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope." that I thought - is this it? Is this why HOPE was my 2018 word of the year? That after all the very bad and the pain and sadness, there is STILL HOPE.
Maybe it truly is as simple as that. After a year of feeling hopeless, of grief, of anger, of pain, I can acknowledge that there is indeed still hope. Hope to keep going. Hope to keep loving. Hope for transformation. Hope in God.
In a lot of ways, it was not a great year. It was a hard year. But as I reflect now, I can see the moments of hope. I can understand how hope kept me going, even if I didn't realize that's what it was. And I can believe that hope will continue.
I sit in awe of the fact that God spoke this word of HOPE to me over a year ago. I'm glad I listened even when I didn't understand. And I'm grateful for the understanding now.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
*For those wondering, the devotional came from Advent Devotional provided by my church, Christ the King Lutheran. Devotionals and messages were submitted by staff and members of the congregation. This devotional of hope? Well, it was written by Pastor Trish. Darn those mothers for always knowing what to say. :)
Today was the second Un-Anniversary. My Facebook memories and TimeHop app bombarded me with pictures and happiness and well wishes and sappy posts.
It was just one year ago, I wrote about the First Un-Anniversary. I made myself reread it today.
I wrote about how last year at this time, I was grieving the loss of my marriage.
I'm mourning. Grieving. It's a strange sort of loss to experience. I've lost something and someone that was so much a part of me, who I loved incredibly much. But in the physical sense, you're still here. I still see you, talk to you. Sometimes it feels like my grief will be a like a wound, reopening every time I interact with you, never able to completely heal.
And here I am, one year later. Still grieving. But in an entirely new sense. I'm grieving the physical loss of that man. The man I once called my best friend, my husband, the father of my child. In a way, it's like I'm experiencing this Un-Anniversary all over for the first time again.
I'll admit I didn't dwell on this day as it approached. Maybe because I knew it would do no good. Maybe because I've kept myself too busy to think about anything. I even managed most of the day without dwelling on what this day was. And then I let myself into that space.
Re-reading last year's blog post. Seeing our wedding pictures. Seeing the old Facebook posts from family and friends, the sappy posts we wrote for each other. Thinking about all that you're missing. Singing songs that we've sung together at church tonight. Watching our amazing little boy run around. And my heart aches.
And I know that this grief is like a whole new wound. One that will continue to reopen. I know that I will still need to take things one day at a time. I know that I need to let go of things and move on.
But I also know that missing you will never go away. That loving you will never go away. I know that you will always be a part of Jacob's and my life, somehow. But the fact that you're no longer physically here, well it physically hurts some days. Today was one of those days.
You had your first day of full time school today. You started Knights Plus - a clever program for late spring/summer babies who aren't quite ready for Kindergarden, but ready for more than Preschool. You go all five days during the week, for the full day. You pick the bus up near daycare and ride it back again after school.
We met your teacher earlier this week. You explored the classroom and were too excited to answer any questions really! You found legos and scissors that cut different designs. You helped put away your school supplies and found your cubby and the place to hang your backpack. You were told you'll have a lunch number now and so we practiced it until you had it memorized - it didn't take you long. When I picked you up from daycare on this day, I showed you were you would be getting on and off the bus. You told me, "I know Mom! You don't need to tell me!" I didn't know I didn't need to tell you!
I drove you to the bus stop this morning. While normally I'll drop you off at daycare and then you'll walk, I was having first day nerves. As we drove, I asked you some questions: Do you know where to get off the bus? "At school." Will you follow the other kids into the school building? "Yes." If you don't remember where your classroom is, you should ask an adult - can you do that? "Mom, I don't need to! I remember where my classroom is!" Okay, but in case you get lost, what do you do? "Ask an adult."
As the bus pulled up, I helped you out of the car and put your backpack on. The other kids were already on the bus so you took off running and yelled "Wait for me!" It was the cutest thing. That image of your running to the bus - a big bus - and stepping on board. You're really growing up.
I waited for the bus to pull away before getting back in the car. I took a couple of deep breaths. I didn't cry. I was a little surprised by that. I've felt like crying the past few days thinking about your first day. I wish your dad was here to see you head off to school - such a smart little man. I asked him to be with you and watch over you, keep you safe.
I need you to remember that you are smart. You are brave. You are kind. I will tell you often. I'm so proud you're my son.
I got a text and a picture from Amber about 3:30 - you made it through your first day! She asked you what was your favorite thing you did at school and you said, "snack!"
I wasn't surprised by your answer. And it was the same thing you told me when I asked you when I picked you up. You told me you had a great day, that you remembered your lunch number, that you liked eating in the cafeteria. You told me you had fun playing.
On the drive home, you started to yawn. I said, "You had a long day; are you tired?" And you said "Yes." I asked, "Are you going to go to bed early tonight?" And you said, "Nope!"
Typical.
I'm so happy you had a great first day. I'm happy you enjoyed riding the bus and there were no issues. I'm happy you're excited to go back again tomorrow. I'm happy for the friends you're going to make and the things you're going to learn. I'm happy that you're so happy!
Here's to a great year of Knights Plus, Buddy. I love you.
It's officially June 2018 and I haven't done a proper update for any of 2018. Understandable, all things considered, but I still think it's important to provide an update. I love being able to go back and read old blog posts to see what sort of things were going on in our lives at that point. So, here it goes.
The year started out like any other. Early in January, I auditioned for a local choir, Minnesota Valley Chorale and was offered a spot in the choir. I was excited to get back to more singing! I also underestimated the demand and level of excellence that was expected from me with the group. But I'm not complaining, it was like being back with the Wartburg Choir, and fun do to some really challenging pieces of music again. Unfortunately, we only got to perform one of our concerts, the other being cancelled by a blizzard. The experience was amazing and I hope to continue to be a part of the group!
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Well, I started this post in June. It's now August 3rd. So this post seems to be going about the same as 2018, it feels like. Let's see if I can wrap this up.
I also helped my aunt during the first two months as she ran for MN House Rep in a special election. It was a fun and crazy experience - I can't even image how crazy for her! And it also gave me a small idea of what it would be like if I ever decided to run for office and um... well, let's just say I'm not sure about that any more. :)
Jacob continued to do great at preschool
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Seriously, I'm on a role. It's August 30th. Let's see if I can actually finish this thing. (I said this last time...)
Jacob continued to do great at preschool. This fall he'll be doing the Knights Plus program - basically a pre-kindergarden program for late spring/summer birthday kids. It's a level higher than preschool and he'll be at school five days a week for the full day. I'm really excited for this opportunity for Jacob! I think it's going to be the perfect fit for him. He's excited to get started, to able to ride the bus both to school and back to daycare, and we're excited to meet his teacher next week at conferences.
Honestly, after February, much of the year so far seems a blur. Life obviously continued to go on and our lives were busy. But I think I was - and sometimes still - functioning on survival mode.
I tried to stay present for Jacob. I set a goal to go on adventures this summer, just Jacob and I. And I'll admit, we didn't do nearly as many as I wanted. The few we did were very fun adventures though. I can't believe that summer is coming to end. It flew by. It seems like we were so busy yet didn't do anything.
I did have some opportunities to hang out with old friends, ones I don't see to see very often. And I can't tell you how refreshing that is. I only wish we could do it more! But I'm grateful for these friendships and our time together and conversations.
At the beginning of August, I got to do something I've never done before. I particpated in a 5K. I'm not big on the whole excerise thing. :) But this 5K had been planned in memory of Austin. Focus Up on Mental Health. Bringing awareness to mental health, donating the proceeds to NAMI. It was an honor to be a part of. It was good to honor AJ's memory. It felt like we were fighting for something, helping others.
I love this picture of Jacob. Running to the finish line. As the group I was walking with entered the track again, Jacob joined us. While I thought he would walk with us, holding my hand, he took off, running the length of the track and across the finish line. I'm not sure Jacob truly understood what we were doing or why, but I do believe that his dad was with him at this moment.
Earlier this month, we took our first big family vacation, with all of us kids now being adults. The seven us flew down to Florida to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday - it was totally a birthday wish come true for him! :) We spent three and half days in Orlando at Disney and Universal Studios. Jacob was an absolute champ. He surived all three park days without a stroller and at least 6 or 7 hours at the parks each day. There were of course some mini meltdowns and too many gifts bought... but I was very proud of how he did. We spent some time at the Kennedy Space Center and then a full day at Cocoa Beach. Thank goodness for the beach umbrellas at our Airbnb! Although a majority of us still got sunburned and I got stung by a jellyfish. So super fun times! :) Jacob loved the ocean and the waves and it was so amazing to experience his first trip to the ocean. Once we landed back in Minnesota, Jacob decided he could finally rest since vacation was over. Immediately after we got off the plane, Jacob fell asleep while my dad, Dan and I carried his dead weight through the airport. :)
It was super hot in Florida and while that was nice some of the time - or all the time if you're my mom - it was nice to come back to some cooler weather. Although it immediately put me in the mood for fall. And yesterday seemed to be a step through that Summer-Fall transition. The weather has been cooler and sleeping with the windows open has been amazing. I had orienation at Fun.com where I'll work my third year doing customer service for their busy season. Worship choir rehearsal started back up again. And my calendar is quickly filling up with all those activities that come with school starting, church activities and other fall fun.
I reread a post from this time last year and how I was hesitant to welcome fall. It's unbelievable how much as changed in a year. But I'm more ready for fall this year. I'm ready for this next season. I'm ready for the fresh start fall promises. I'm ready to turn a new leaf and start moving past survival mode. Now let's see if I can actually make that happen.
You woke up early on your birthday. Like 6 a.m. on the dot. The first words out of your mouth were, "Mommy, tell me Happy Birthday!" And then you raced upstairs to open presents.
It is so fun to watch you go through this world with your unlimited joy. I cannot believe how quickly you continue to grow and learn. I am forever amazed by the things you say and do. You are truly a light of joy and happiness.
My heart aches knowing what you've gone through in the past year of your life and what that means for each year moving forward. But I know that you have such a good heart and a strong love, and those will serve you well.
Your year of five already promises to be an exciting one! You received your first-ever bike and are learning how to ride it. Right now, it may be tough, but I know one day you're going to love zooming all over on your bike. We have a family trip planned to Disney World - your first big vacation, first theme park and first trip the ocean! I'm curious to see how it all goes. And this fall, you are starting the Knights Plus program in Lake Crystal, going to school five days a week. I know you're going to love that!
You still love all things dinosaur. And I mean ALL THINGS DINOSAUR. You can never have enough dinosaur toys. Seriously. I'm tempting to round them all up just to count how many you do have, but I don't know that we would be able to locate them all!
You love playing good guys and bad guys, and in fact, you still like being the bad guy more often than not. You enjoy watching YouTube videos, especially of other kids playing or opening new toys. Whenever you find a character you like, whether it's from a book, movie or game, you want it as a toy. You love helping Nana mow or going to the farm with Papa to "play pool". Of course you still love tractors and farming.
Recently you've done a lot of singing. You'll make up your own songs and tell some sort of story, all while dancing around the room in circles. I love these story songs. You and Nana also like telling stories by taking turns. You've had some interesting stories! You also like to play the piano while I sing a song. You like throwing the ball down the stairs and having someone throw it back up to you. You love bouncing. You love going to the park. You love watching me play Donkey Kong.
You also love to read. And this warms my heart!! You love to have stories read to you. You get the library fairly often with Nana. You love any book about dinosaurs, the Pigeon books and right now you really love the Elephant and Piggy books. We read these so often, that you like to be either Piggy or Elephant - mostly Piggy. So we read those books together, me as Elephant and you "reading" the part of Piggy. It is adorable. And you have a good memory!
We're continuing to work on letters and spelling. Soon we'll be teaching you to read! You love asking "What does this spell?" and then listing off different letters. Sometimes you manage to make a word, but not very often. You also like asking "What does __ and __ make?" Like what does 10 and 5 make? Or what is 4 and 6 and how do we get there? You have such a curious mind. The other night at dinner, I may have let you go a little crazy by letting you mix things up like your milk and ketchup or the ketchup in my water and stirring it up. You were having a blast. I might have to find you some sort of science kit for Christmas!
You still love spending time with your cousins Evie and KK. You love visiting Nana and Papa Z at the farm. You love playing with your "brother" Liam. You actually keep asking for a baby brother or sister. You love the babies at daycare; playing with them and making them smile and laugh.
You are the most wonderful kid, the light of my life. I love you so much. Happy Birthday.
Jacob had a dentist appointment a couple months ago. He did about as well as could be expected for a four year old. His favorite part was being able to squirt water from the little water spray thing. But anyway, throughout the appointment, Jacob was being told how well he was doing, to keep it up buddy, you're doing great, etc. When his appointment was over, he went out in the hall and looked into the room next door, where someone else was having their teeth cleaned. Jacob immediately peered in and said, "You're doing good, buddy!" Sweetest and cutest thing ever!
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The other day at Easter dinner, Jacob decided he was done eating. The problem was he only ate his ham, a bun and a bunch of pickles. And so I told him he needs to eat at least one bite of corn and one bite of potatoes if he wants dessert. Well, at first, he just told me he didn't want dessert. But then he came back. He asked where the potatoes were and I pointed to the cheesey potatoes on his plate. He immediately said "nope!" I put one little cubed hashbrown on his fork and asked him to try it. I just held the fork in front of his mouth because I could see him working up the courage to take a bite. He took the bite and all was good. After eating a bite of corn he exclaimed "I get dessert!!" He told me he wanted the "white, chocolate and pink ice cream, becuase I like the pink ice cream now Mommy" When we sat back down at the table, Jacob put a small piece of the strawberry ice cream on a spoon and held it up to my face. He said, "Try it Mommy, just one bite. See how YOU like it!" Oh my gosh, I just died laughing. And of course, tried the ice cream! :)
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Jacob and I were recently at one of his therapy appointments. He was asked to play a game of Bingo. The therapist would call out an animal and told Jacob to see if he could find that animal on the bingo sheet. If he found it, he should cross it off with an "X". She called the first animal. Jacob looked down at his sheet for a few seconds and then drew one big X across the entire page and says "womp womp womp". It was hard to keep a straight face!!!
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This isn't really one story... but Jacob has started to make up his own songs. He'll tell you he has a song for you and then sings and dances around, making it up as he goes! And I have to admit, they're pretty good songs! Always a good story! And, he's got a pretty good voice! :)
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Jacob and I are helping "pet sit" Boomer the electronic dinosaur for my friend Brandon. One of the first nights, Jacob comes over to me and says, "Boomer just told me thank you for getting him away from the bad man. Brandon was the bad man." I think he's trying to convince me that Boomer needs to stay! Ha!
