Days like today

Days like today are hard. 

Timehop and Facebook memories can be a wonderful thing. I love checking my memories each day to see what I was doing and posting about one year ago ,3 years ago, 10 years ago on this day. I especially love looking at old pictures! 

But on some days, like today, I don't want to open those apps at all. I don't want to be reminded about what happened on this day 10 years ago. I don't want to see the pictures. Because on days like today, it's just too painful. 

Ten years ago today, Austin and I were married. 

We were young, and in love, and happy, and naive about the world. I can remember all the nervous, excited jitters thinking, "This is it. This is my forever." Because that's what I thought it would be. It was what we had both planned for. What we expected. 

But marriage is hard. Life is hard. We learned that quickly. But we managed to still survive it together. We were still us. 

Then, life got hard. And we started to become less of 'us'. And it continued to get harder until we were no longer an 'us' at all. And that was devastating and heartbreaking because it was always suppose to be us. 

Only it didn't stop there. Life continued to be so hard that eventually we became so unlike anything else we had ever been, so far removed from the 'us' we once were. And then, one of us was gone forever. 

This was not the life I imaged on this day ten years ago. This is not what I wanted, not what I had hoped for and prayed for. And yet, this is where I am. 

Looking back on this day ten years ago, seeing the pictures of two happy and in love people who no longer exist... that's painful. Reading the sappy anniversary posts we wrote for each other... those make me incredibly sad. 

And then there was this post. From three years ago, on our seventh wedding anniversary. And the last anniversary we would celebrate. 

I remember first reading this post and being filled with a hopeful joy and love. I remember thinking maybe this could be where we turn it around. I thought we still had a chance at us. 

But now, when I read this post, I feel regret. I feel dread. I feel shame. Because when I read this, I can't help but feel like I gave up on AJ. Like I let him down. Like I failed him.

Before you all start yelling, I know logically, that what happened to AJ was not my fault. I know that. He made his own choices. But just because you know something, doesn't mean your feelings will agree. 

Things got too hard, too difficult. I needed to do what was right and healthy for Jacob and I.

But I also got too angry. I completely let go of the us that we had been and any resemblance of us. 

And then he was gone. Forever.

I lost any chance that we could be an 'us' again. I lost the hope that I had clung to, deep inside, that one day we would find our way back together again. Any dream I had about us in the future was abruptly taken from me. And that's what I'm left with now.

An incomplete us. 

Jacob's Anecdotes vol. 5

More fun anecdotes from Jacob!

Jacob was playing hide & seek with his cousins recently and it was his turn to count. He closed his eyes and very quickly counted to 10. His poor cousins hadn't even had a real chance to hide yet! I said to Jacob, "Jacob, you counted too fast, they're still trying to hide!" Without missing a beat he yells, "It is what it is Mom!" and took off after his cousins!! 

--

Jacob came up to me and gave me a big hug. He told me, "The problem is I love you so much." Aw. 

--

One of the struggles I have with Jacob is getting him to sleep in his own bed. Aunt Megan recently asked how it was going and Jacob (proudly) said he had been sleeping in my bed. So I decided it was time to work on getting Jacob back to his own bed. The first night in his bed Jacob said to me, "This is all Megan's fault. She ruined everything." HAHA 

When we were talking about it again another morning, I told Jacob "Kindergartners sleep in their own bed!" And Jacob immediately replied, "Not this Kindergartner!" Oh boy... 

--

Jacob: I can't wait to get married.
Me: Why's that?
Jacob: Because then I can change my name!
Me: What are you going to change your name to?
Jacob: Jake!

--

Scene: Aunt Megan walking to the farm with Jacob
J: points to the rumble strips. When I went biking with Papa he always drove so I went on those things.
M: oh, really? Did you bounce around a lot and go "aahh!"?
J: no, I was embarrassed of him.
M: really?
J: yeah. What does embarrassed mean?
M: it means you didn't want to be with him because you thought what he was doing was silly or weird.
J: oh, okay. I was embarrassed of him.

--
"Mommy, I'm sorry to tell you this but the vegetable singing about cheeseburgers sings better than you" The kid knows how to cut you deep.

World Suicide Prevention Day

September is Suicide Prevention Month and today, September 10, is World Suicide Prevention Day. I can't lie and say that seeing so many social media posts about this day doesn't bring a large amount of pain. But I realize the importance of this day. To speak out. To help end the stigma. To let someone else, who might be struggling, know that they do matter. 

Because here's the thing. I'm on the other side of a suicide. I am someone that struggles with the unexpected loss and grief after someone I love ended their life. And it is a place that I wish no one else would have to be in. 

The grief and pain I felt after losing Austin was something I've never experienced. It was raw and sharp and heavy. And while the edges are slowly starting to dull, it is still a pain I have trouble explaining. We as Austin's loved ones were left with so many unanswered questions. That's truly one of the hardest things. We have hundreds of questions and we will never get a single answer. 

These past few days have been especially hard. Was it because I started seeing things for Suicide Prevention Awareness? Maybe. It also just seemed that Austin was around in a lot of places lately. I still can't accurate describe the feelings and emotions I've struggled with over the past couple of days. If I had to try, each day felt like one big, deep sigh. It was hard to concentrate on anything. I literally wanted to do nothing. I was extremely tired, feeling down and even my body felt heavy and exhausted. 

It's these days that I really hate the fact that Austin is gone. That he left us. That he left Jacob. It's a deep pain for me. 

But then I try to think about the type of pain Austin must have been in. I try to think about how low he must have felt. And still that provides no answers and only more pain. 

I've struggled to talk a lot openly about Austin and how he died. But I think that I need to. I have a voice I can use to help others. I have a voice that could maybe save someone else. 

When was the last time you checked in on some of your loved ones? When was the last time you made sure they knew you loved them. Or that you're always available to listen? Or that they are worthy? 

The WHO recently reported that every 40 seconds, a life is lost to suicide. Every 24 minutes, one American dies by firearm suicide. That is far too many souls lost. 

The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence recently created a new website to help prevent firearm suicide. I urge you to get educated, as I plan to do myself. 

Another helpful article, written by an attempt survivor: Stop telling people "It Gets Better".

Bishop Elizabeth Eaton of the ELCA recently shared this message: "Suicide can be prevented. We are never beyond God's mercy and compassion."  

And if you know of someone grieving the loss of someone by suicide, please do not call those suicide victims selfish or weak. And other reminder of why we should stop saying "committed suicide". 

So today, on this World Suicide Prevention Day, and every day, in memory of Austin, I ask that you get educated, that you become aware, that you reach out to your loved ones and that you help end the stigma. 

To Jacob, on your first day of Kindergarten

Jacob,

Today is your first day of Kindergarten. And I think I've been lying to myself about how big of deal today actually is - for both of us. 

I thought your first day of Kindergarten wasn't a huge deal because you already did Knights Plus last year. You've already done school five days a week and for the full day. You've already ridden the bus, gotten lunch in the cafeteria, navigated the hallways and discovered the rules of the playground at recess. You did these things for a year already. 

So I wasn't worried about today. I wasn't worried you would feel lost or get overwhelmed. There is no doubt in my mind that you'll have a great first day of Kindergarten. 

Where I do start to worry is about the rest of the year. Because Kindergarten is a big first step. It's the official start of your formal education. It's the beginning of you being a big kid. Now there are various expectations and requirements and obligations. This is when you start to really grow and learn. This is when you start to form friendships that could later be tested and those that endure. This is when you start to discover more about yourself - your likes, your dislikes, your passions, your strengths. This is when things get real. 

There is much that I hope and want for you, Jacob. Over the next year and again over the next thirteen plus years of school. 

I hope that you grow to love learning and continue to seek out new things to learn. I hope that you will ultimately succeed in all that you decide to do. But I also hope that you realize that in order to succeed you will have mistakes and failures. I hope that you can accept your mistakes and learn from them. I hope that you continue to have a kind and compassionate heart. I hope that you will make friends easily and encompass many. I hope that you will always remember your manners. I hope that you will be brave and always stand up for what you believe in. I hope that your strength and bravery will also stand up for others in need. I hope that you always have the courage to do the right thing. I hope that you will learn to be grateful. 

What I want, of course, is for life to be relatively easy for you. I want you to have minimal struggles and heartbreaks and disappointments. But since this is not how life works, I want - need - you to know that you will always be supported. You will always be loved. I want you to understand that you will always have people in your life who are there to help and guide you - myself, family, teachers, friends, our church community. I want you to understand that no matter what life throws at you, you are never alone. I want you to know that whatever happens in life, you are worth it. 

As you begin Kindergarten, know that I will be here by your side. Know that your daddy is watching down on you from heaven. Know that you have a God that loves you and has amazing plans for you. And know that every day, I will pray for you. 

I love you,
Mommy  

PS Here's another letter to a Kindergartner wrote by another mom and that also speaks to my heart. 

A long overdue 2019 update...

This year has not been good for my blogging skills and I'm long overdue an update to 2019. But it was recently pointed out to me that often the second year after a loved one's death is harder than the first. That first year, you're in shock, you're in survival mode. But the second year, that's when you really start to process your feelings of loss, your grief. And that can have an impact on daily activity or function. 

At the start of 2019, I chose FOCUS as my Word of the Year. But I've got to tell you, I have not been focused this year. I have struggled staying focused - in so many ways. I started the year strong, with clear goals in mind of what I wanted to accomplish. But many quickly became goals I just couldn't grasp. There have been many days when nothing in particular has been wrong, but I've just felt off. I think this is an effect of my grief. 

While the year has definitely not gone the way I wanted to, it has still been busy. I'll do my best to recap the past 7 and half months. 

I started the year getting a few things organized for Jacob and I. I created a schedule that hangs in Jacob's room that we can put up of all the day's activities. Jacob likes to know what's going on. Jacob was busy with Rainbow Room at church and swimming lessons at the Rec Center. I had joined Minnesota Valley Chorale again this season and choir practices started up quickly. We also spent one very cold Saturday exploring the St. Paul Winter Carnival and an Ice Castle! I have to admit, the ice castle was really cool!! ;-) We also froze bubbles outside in the -20 degrees weather!

In February I got to participate in Pedal Past Poverty, as part of my mom's church group from Messiah. Jacob was there to cheer us all on - myself, Nana and Papa. 

Pedal Past Poverty

We also took Jacob tubing for the first time at Mt. Kato. He had a blast!! Our first trip up the conveyor belt, Jacob kept losing his balance and falling over, getting carried along and struggling to get up. It was funny to watch. The rest of the day he got pulled in the tube and so he was not nearly as exhausted as Brandon and I were! I also managed to fall the down the stairs while carrying a sick Jacob. Sprained my foot and had Jacob throw up all over me. Winning parenting moments. Overall, we got entirely too much snow and storms and wind this winter. That was not fun. I summed up the month of February in my planner as "survived".

March started a busy church season of Lent but we manged some fun in there too. Jacob and I got a trip down to Iowa in right away and it was so much fun to watch Jacob play with his cousins. Brandon and I went with some friends to the Four Daughters Winery for a dueling piano event where we have a table right in front - so fun. We also went to Rochester to see my very good friend in her local theater's performance of Avenue Q! She, of course, was amazing! And the show so funny! Although, it had been years since I last saw the show and you can tell it was written in a slightly different time. 

Great Wolf Lodge

Marshmallow Pit

Jacob, Brandon and I also spent a weekend in the cities at the Mall of America where explored Candytopia - basically a dream come true for me. It was so fun and neat to see everything made out of candy - really like Willy Wonka! Jacob really enjoyed the marshmallow pit at the end! We spent the weekend at the Great Wolf Lodge enjoying the water park - especially the wave pool! 

Candytopia

Sips for Shelter

April was busy with church and choir practices. Throughout the month of April, I was singing in four different choirs! The Worship Choir and Chamber Choir were both a part of church. Then there was MN Valley Chorale and the Mankato Children's Choir - more on that later. I tried taking Jacob to an egg scramble, but there were too many people and he didn't want to participate. He did enjoy playing at the playground though! The weather was super nice that day. Jacob got to spend an extended weekend in Iowa with his grandparents and cousins, which he LOVED. Chelsea and I managed a girls day while helping a good cause at the Sips for Shelter event, put on by Partners for Affordable House. We spent the day being bused around to different local wineries and breweries and it really was a super fun time. 

Also in April, I made my final payment of student loans!!! YAY!!!! 

MCC Concert

In May things started to slow down, choir-wise. I decided to sing in the Alumni Choir of the Mankato Children's Choir with a good friend. We both grew up singing in MCC and thought it would be fun to do the alumni choir as part of the 25th Anniversary concert - and it was! It was great to see some familiar faces and old directors! While the Minnesota Valley Chorale had our two concerts in April, we were still practicing. We had been invited to sing with the Mankato Symphony Orchestra. They were doing Handel's Messiah. This was my first time ever singing with an orchestra and singing so much of the Messiah. But it was such an amazing experience, I'm glad I did it. 

The last few months of school were somewhat challenging for Jacob. While he's a smart kid, he was having trouble staying focused. Sounds like the beginning of this post! He wasn't listening like he should, would rather walk around by myself than do his school work or listen at story time. He was using some "potty words", trying to get the other kids to laugh and distracting the class as a whole. We tried a couple of different things and we talked through it with Jacob's therapist. (He regularly sees a therapist and has been since the start of 2018.) Finally, we found a system that seems to connect with him. Jacob would have daily sheets sent home that would tell us how he did for each party of the day. He would get a smiley face, an OK face or a sad face. His points would get added up and he had a goal he tried to meet each day. There were rewards both at school and at home when he met certain goals. By the end of the school year, Jacob seemed to be on track and doing what he needed to be doing. I was extremely proud of the progress he made and thankful for the teachers that helped us at school. 

Champagne Bar

Brandon and I also decided to take a vacation during May and spent five days in California where we explored Wine Country and San Francisco. We both decided the vacation was too short but we had a fun time wandering around and relaxing. I even convinced Brandon to do a spa day with me which included a mud bath! I'm not going to lie, it was a little weird but super relaxing. The weather was perfect while we were out there. 

Chicago 

Jacob meanwhile, spent a few days in Chicago with my parents and had a blast. He really enjoyed going to the top of the tallest building and standing out in that glass cube. I admire his bravery! 

And then it was summer! Ah the start of summer. When the weather gets better, the days get long, you have a ton of fun plans and then you only manage to do a fraction of them.. 

I did get to spend a weekend in Rochester catching up with two very amazing friends. We went and saw the super funny movie "Booksmart" and spent the weekend catching up and talking about life. We managed to get to the Air Spectacular event as well and saw some really awesome airplanes doing some amazing tricks. We also went to the Lake Days parade in Lake Crystal and enjoyed the marching bands. We found a new seating spot this year, right at the beginning and I'm pretty sure it's our new favorite spot. We ended the month in Iowa, celebrating Jacob's birthday with family. 

Cousins!

July was a bit busier. We started the month celebrating the 4th, Jacob's birthday again and the wedding of a cousin's out at the family farm. All of us cousins were finally in the same place at the same time! It was a miracle. Jacob did TWO weeks of Vacation Bible School - one at Messiah with Nana and one at CTK. While he might not have been a fan of going that much, he was a trooper and did good! 

Girls Weekend

I also enjoyed an extended Girls Weekend getaway with some high school friends. This was our second year of having a girls weekend and it was just as much fun and definitely needed. It's always amazing when you can get together with friends who you don't see very often and sometimes don't talk to very often, but it's like nothing changes. I love having such a great group of women in my life and I love all the fun we have. 

At work, we had a Office Family Outing at the Mankato Moondogs game at the end of the month. It was a fun afternoon of food, drinks and baseball! Then, I ended the month up in Fargo, at our headquarters for our annual marketing meeting. This was the second time I've been to Fargo for a marketing meeting and the second time I did not manage to get a visit to Dan and Josh in! There's always next year. 

And finally, August. We spent one Thursday exploring a new park up in Jordan with some friends and had a great time. The park had a great playground, a splash pad and a little beach! We would definitely go back. Then Jacob and I went to Iowa to take part in the 2nd Annual Focus Up on Mental Health 5K, which is organized by Austin's sister, in his memory. It was a very successful event and a great weekend to spend with family. But our weekends down there are never long enough and Jacob did not want to leave that Sunday. 

Just last week, Jacob had Camp MidKnight at school. This is where they invite all the incoming kindergartners to come experience what a typical school day will be like once school starts. It's so amazing because they have not only the Kindergartner teachers there, but also many of the preschool teachers. They have practically the whole school to themselves, get lunch and meet new friends. Jacob had a really fun time, saw some friends from Knights Plus and made some new friends. While he's excited to finish out his summer vacation, I think he's also really excited to start school again. 

I also had the chance to attend my 15 year High School Reunion last week!!! What?! Yes, 15 years. We all kind of missed the ball on this and so the event was thrown together last minute. But we still managed a good showing and it was fun to see old friends and classmates that I haven't seen since probably our 10 year reunion! :) 

Jacob and I have spent the last 10 days fending for ourselves while Nana and Papa are enjoying a trip overseas! And I'm happy to report that we are surviving! And while it's nice to know we're capable of taking care of ourselves, we're also looking forward to the return of Nana and Papa. And if I'm not mistaken, I think they're glad we aren't taking this newfound freedom of living independently too seriously and that we'll probably stick with the basement a while longer. :) 

So here's to the rest of summer vacation, my favorite season fall and then winter before we know it. 

More pictures from the year:

Like I said, entirely too much snow

Cousins!

Kindergarten Roundup!

Happy Easter!

Air Spectacular 

Celebrating 150 Years at Our Saviour's Butternut

Happy 6th Birthday, Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my favorite little boy, although not so little any more!!

Jacob, you continue to amaze me every single day. Watching you grow and learn new things is fascinating. You are, in many ways, your father's son. You talk nonstop. You are a silly goofball who loves to make people laugh. And you are just so happy. 

You make me laugh with your funny little quips and your imagination continues to grow. I love listening to you playing, telling stories or singing your own songs. You are incredibly clever and kind. Although, you do still favor the 'bad guys'.... :) 

You are not shy by any means, not afraid to talk to anyone and everyone. Wherever we go, people around us get to experience the joy of life you share. You'll say hi to everyone or go up to strangers or anyone who will listen and say "guess what?". You also like to talk about yourself probably the most! :) You went through a phase where you were in love with telling jokes. You would make up your own, ask us to tell jokes and just love to laugh. 

You can charm the pants off pretty much anyone, no matter where we are - the dentist, the children's museum, the barbershop, the park... And you don't even realize you're doing it. You're just that sweet and amazing and kind. 

You are still full of questions. You call yourself the Question Boy. You also call yourself Toy Boy in an attempt to continue to get more toys to add to your growing collection... But you love to ask questions. You are so curious about everything. You'll ask about new words you've just learned and what they mean. You'll ask about the why the weather does strange things. You'll ask about bugs or what I'm doing when I'm trying to work. You have to find all the answers. 

You continue to mature every single day. Things that you use to struggle with or not want to do, you now do bravely and without whining. It makes me so incredibly proud. 

You finished a year of Knights Plus at school. You grew so much over the past year. And like so much else in your life, you ended the year much stronger and smarter. I think next year at Kindergarten, you're going to thrive. 

You currently LOVE numbers. All numbers. All things numbers. All things math. You love telling time, knowing the time, wanting to know how much time. You want to know everyone's age. You can count extremely well and even more so, you've learned to do basic addition - both verbally and by writing down math problems. You are so incredibly smart for your age. 

You still love tractor rides and all things dinosaurs. You have also gotten into Transformers, StoryBots and the Magic School Bus. You have a globe that you love looking at and asking questions like "when are we going to go here?" (aka the middle of Russia and probably never) You really love playing with anything because of your amazing creative imagination. You're getting more and more comfortable on your bike too. 

You love to walk and run around, especially at parks and you love to go exploring on the playground equipment. You love bouncy-houses - especially this one that you climb up the one side with a rope and slide down the slide on the other side. 

And you still love reading books. We've been working on reading some sight words and you like to read certain parts of some of your favorite books. Soon you'll be reading on your own! 

Every day I am amazed by you. I love your joy, your happiness, your loving heart. I love your innocent and free spirit and your crazy imagination. I love your laugh and your smile. I love your hugs and your kisses. You are absolutely my favorite boy. 

I love you. Happy Birthday. 

My Journey to be Debt-Free

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now. As I inch closer and closer to my ultimate goal of being debt-free. 

Recently, I did a thing. A huge, very adult thing. I made my last ever student loan payment. Eleven years after graduating college. Which isn't too bad, considering they generally set you up on a ten-year repayment plan and there was more than once I had to defer my loan payments or get those payments lowered. 

I am forever grateful for my experience at college. I wouldn't change it for the world. But it is a huge relief, a huge burden lifted to be finally done making payments on my student loans. 

I've been on this debt-free journey for a few years now. But before I tell you my story, I need you to know that getting to this point took some hard lessons being learned, it meant making sacrifices, it meant working hard but it also took a lot of luck. I've been very fortunate in some of my circumstances that have made this journey easier than it could have been. 

I will be the first to admit that I am no money expert. In fact, for most of my life, money was definitely not my strong suit. Just ask my sister. She loves to tell people how I supposedly "bullied" her into sharing her allowance and saved money when we were on vacation. Haha!! She's also not wrong. I liked to spend money, not save it. And that can be a hard habit to break. 

I had summer jobs growing up and worked my way through college so I knew the value of hard work and money being earned. After college, I landed a job that paid very well but I hate to admit that I was foolish with that money. Looking back, I just cringe at the thought. I was making more money than I needed at the time. Yet, I was not good at saving it or putting it towards student loan payments. Instead, I enjoyed spending that money - on eating out more than I should, on things I didn't need and who knows what else. 

After AJ and I got married, we realized neither of us was good with money. A super great combination. HA! We continued to enjoy a lifestyle that was not extravagant but was also not necessarily within our budget. But how would we have known? We didn't have a budget back then. Between some poor life decisions, low-paying jobs and some big moves, we quickly racked up our credit card debt. We were also feeling the sting of those overdraft fees on our checking account. We were living paycheck to paycheck and often we didn't have enough each month. AJ and I both deferred our student loans payments a few different times to help ease the burden. We just had not figured out how to properly manage our money. 

During this time, my parents offered to pay for us to attend a Dave Ramsey course. We jumped at the opportunity, sick of our financial situation. And we learned a lot of great things. We learned we had a lot of work ahead of us. But we got excited about the process. You bet we cut up our credit cards! You bet we put up a debt snowball sheet on our fridge. That looked incredibly daunting, by the way! 

But we did start chipping away. We knew what needed to be done. 

I wish I could say that the start of this journey started back then. But that's not true. Soon, AJ's addiction continued to grow into a larger issue. At some desperate points, AJ would find a doctor to give him pills, but because insurance had already been used, he'd pay out of pocket for them. That was never cheap. On top of that, we had medical bills from the few times AJ ended up in the hospital or at treatment because of his addiction. His addiction kept him from work at times and with those bills piling up, it felt like a very dark place. 

I do not hold this against AJ. He was sick. But it got to the point where I had to start making some difficult decisions to keep Jacob and I financially secure. We got different checking accounts. We got divorced. Although, even after that, I still continued to help AJ financially. He was the father to my son. He was the man I loved. I didn't want to see him fail. It took me until a couple of months after our divorce before I was finally strong enough to break that pattern. 

I think the tipping point for me when I was truly able to start this journey came once we moved back to Minnesota. We moved in with my parents, what we thought would be a temporary stay. And three years later, I'm still in the basement. I believe that this, above all else, has been key to my success. My parents have been too fortunate and kind allowing Jacob and I to live there. While we agreed on some monthly rent, they would also allow me to skip that some months if I had other bills to pay. I had no utility bills. We share streaming services. I'll pitch in to buy some groceries. But the amount of money I've saved by living with my parents is a huge contribution to my debt-free journey. And I am incredibly grateful to them. 

I finally started working my debt snowball seriously. Each debt that was paid off, I added that amount to my next debt. It makes a huge difference. Any extra money I got from Christmas or a tax refund went to pay off some debt. I had some inheritance money that I received that also went straight to my debt. I've worked a seasonal second job for the past three years and have used that money to pay off my debt. 

I also started to actually use the budget I had created for myself. A detailed budget that included all of my expenses, how much money from each paycheck and where the money could be spent. This has helped me to avoid extra spending - not always - but much more often! Each paycheck has a designated set of bills to pay. Another life hack I used was when putting my budget together, I would round down on the amount of money each paycheck would be and round up on my bills. This would generally ensure I had enough money and even some extra at times. This was helpful for those extra and sometimes unexpected bills. I also always had my debt totals right next to my budget so would remember what I was working towards. 

It was only because of each of these things, each of these circumstances, that I am at the place I'm at today. And I'm also not quite there. 

My last remaining debt is my car payment, which some argue whether or not that should qualify under debt. But it is a monthly payment that I make. Plus, if you ask Dave Ramsey, he's all about buying cars with cash! But, I hope to have my car paid off within the next year. 

I do have a couple of credit cards with some charges on them. But I only use them for big purchases and always make more than the minimal payment required. I no longer rely on credit cards to pay my bills or help me survive until the next paycheck. 

And I finally got that saving-thing down. I'm contributing towards my retirement. I'm putting money aside for Jacob's schooling one day. I've got money from every paycheck that never comes to my checking account and instead goes into a separate savings account - even at a different establishment than my every day bank. I have an app on my phone that rounds up the extra cents from each purchase and saves them in another account. I try not to spend any $5 bills I receive and instead stick them away somewhere. I've even added "additional savings" to my budget for things like medical bills, car costs, etc. 

I will still claim that I am no money expert. But I am finally in a place that I feel confident about my financial situation. I feel more financially secure than I ever have. And I also can see a bright future ahead of being able to live and enjoy life without being financially insecure. And that is truly an amazing feeling. 

One Year Later

It's been one year since you left us forever. 

There was no warning.
No goodbyes.
No explanation. 

When I think about this date one year ago, it seems that the year went by incredibly quick. But when I think about the past year, it seems nonexistent, like time stopped all together. 

When you left, it brought a painful end to a number of struggles. But it also brought a painful beginning to new struggles. 

Over the past year, I've had thoughts and feelings and emotions that I didn't know where possible to have. I experienced grief on an entirely new level. I've been reading books and articles on grief and they comfort me because I don't think anyone can truly understand what it's like to really understand grief until they experience it personally. It's a strange thing. 

One year ago, our lives changed forever. One year ago, I can remember clearly when I found out, yet the next few days, weeks are fuzzy. One year ago, I started asking questions knowing that I would probably never find the answers. One year ago, I had to tell the sweetest four-year-old that you were gone forever. 

There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about you. Probably not even an hour. 

Sometimes I still feel shocked that you're gone. There is always sadness and pain. And I've also felt a lot of anger. The grief can be all-consuming. 

I've waited over the past year, prayed, hoped, wished for some sort of closure. Maybe a letter from you will show up in the mail. Maybe it wouldn't provide all the answers to the questions I have, but would give me something. I'd be lying if I said I still don't pray for that some days. 

I've struggled to understand. To understand why. To understand what you were feeling. To understand why you felt this was your only way out. To understand if there was something more I didn't know. To understand how you could leave Jacob and me. One year later, I still don't understand any of it. 

You've been gone for one year. Although, if I'm being honest, in a way, you were gone long before then. Yet I couldn't tell you if that makes the physical lost of you harder or easier. 

One year later. I'm still not okay. This is not okay. I'm not sure this will ever be okay. 


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I believe that the first anniversary* of a death is always going to be extremely hard, yet this week has been more than I imagined it would be. In some strange, cruel twist of fate or irony - I don't know - I have been forced to essentially relive these three days or so from exactly one year ago. 

That Thursday night one year ago, it was Kindergarten Round Up at school. We had pretty much decided that Jacob wasn't going to go to Kindergarten but planned on attending the evening to learn more about the Knights Plus program. This Thursday night, Jacob and I attended the Kindergarten Round Up as he prepares to enter Kindergarten next fall. 

Last year, I don't remember exactly, but Jacob stayed home. I think he wasn't feeling good. When I talked/texted Austin, he decided he wasn't going to come or I told him it wasn't necessary since Jacob wasn't with me. He also might have been stuck working later than he originally thought. I think that was the last time I talked to him. I can't remember if he called later that night to say goodnight to Jacob, as was our ritual. I want to say he did. 

I can't stop thinking about what could have happened if he had come with that night. Would I have been able to see his struggles? Would I be able to tell something was off? What if Jacob had come along? Would seeing Jacob that night made a difference? I logically understand that the outcome was probably never mine to change, but that doesn't stop the thoughts from coming. 

Then Friday. What should have been a normal and uneventful day at the office until everything changed. I almost found myself constantly looking behind me, waiting for a co-worker to come and tell me that the sheriff deputy was there and wanted to talk to me. I left work early; I couldn't be in the building around that same time one year later. I also had a doctor's appointment scheduled, a yearly check-in. Last year, this happened the Monday after it happened. I remember going, feeling like a hot mess of emotions. This year's appointment felt no different. Although there was more anger. Anger that I had to be having these conversations about my mental well-being at literally the worst time of the year.

And Saturday, the actually anniversary date. Last year, there was nothing but fog and sadness. I remember basically nothing. Will today be the same?  

It feels like I've been watching and performing in some slow-moving movie where I know what's going to happen, but can't stop it from happening. It's felt a bit like torture actually. 

This is hard. This is nothing like anything I could have expected. There are so many feelings it's hard to adequately describe how I feel or tell you how I'm doing. I just know that for right now, I am not okay. But for right now, that's okay. 




*Why is there not a better term for the annual recurrence of events that are not happy or celebratory? Can we create one? 'Anniversary' just seems too happy. 

The First Miracle of Jesus

I started writing this as a Facebook post, but it started to get a little long... :)

I've been thinking about this morning's gospel lesson and sermon a lot. The text was from John 2 (1-11) when Jesus changes water into wine, his first miracle. In verse 9 you read, "He did not realize where it [wine] had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew"

It's a simple sentence. One you probably quickly pass over. But it was pointed out in the sermon and it's worth taking a second look at. Verse 11 reads, "What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory" This was a big deal. It was the first sign. The first miracle. The first of many to come. It holds importance.

But what we read in verse 9 is that Jesus did not perform his miracle in front of the wedding party or guests. He performed his first miracle before the servants. The poorest, lowliest and oppressed. These were the very first to witness a miracle.

And from that moment on, that would be continue to be Jesus' focus. He continued to show love, to help, to preach to those people: the poor, the oppressed, the lonely, the sick, the widowed, the children. Those who most people considered to be beneath them, Jesus embraced with open arms.

Now, this continued to stick with me throughout the rest of the day, especially as I scrolled through Facebook and Twitter, seeing and reading stories of everything happening in our nation right. A government shutdown, employees working with no pay or not being able to work at all, discussions of a wall, videos showing disrespect, anger over a razor commercial and what seems like to me, too much hate.

Many people believe that America is a Christian nation. While America was in fact founded on the freedom of religion and freedom from persecution because of religion. Meaning - we all get to choose. And if someone doesn't choose to believe in what I believe, they have that freedom and right to do so. But Christianity has been the majority religion for many years and brings us back to the idea of why people think America is a Christian nation. So let's argue for a second that this is the case. America is a Christian nation.

Let's go back to verse nine from today's lesson. "He did not realize where it [wine] had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew" Who did Jesus perform his first miracle in front of? Who did he continue to share his message with?

The poor, the oppressed, the sick, the widowed, the lonely, the children. Jesus' message was to love others. He said  "And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"

And I think about the state of the nation today. And if America wants to claim to be a Christian nation, it has to be asked: Are they following the message of Jesus? Are they loving others as themselves? Are they helping the poor, the oppressed, the sick, the children, the lonely?

And my answer would be no. Overall, there are too many "Christians" who are not following the teachings of Jesus.

We should be welcoming those who are running from violence and war. We should be working to ensure every person has affordable healthcare. We should be working towards an economy that benefits all Americans and not just the top 1 percent. We should be loving and accepting ALL people. We should be fighting against the injustice. I'm sure this list could continue.

But as a nation, we are failing. We are failing at being a "Christian nation". Those in top positions are failing our nation.

If Americans want to claim that America is a Christian nation, maybe we should start acting like it.