March 27, 2020

I wasn't going to post anything today. I haven't felt much like sharing. Today was hard. Today I felt distracted, unfocused. I wasn't present or on top of my game by any means. I was probably pretty close to the bottom of my game. I struggled. All day. Many times I felt on the verge of tears. 

Today was Austin's birthday. It's hard to believe this is the third birthday we've had since he's been gone. 

I recently saved an article on Facebook that I saw pop up on my newsfeed. Full disclosure that I have not read it yet. But the title was "That Discomfort You're Feeling is Grief". And it was like something clicked in my mind. Yes, that is what I've been feeling these past few weeks. There is much to grieve about our current situation. Our lives have been uprooted, they've changed so quickly with so little time to prepare. We must adapt quickly to this new life, this new normal. And so of course, we grieve how life was. We grieve the lost of normalcy. We grieve what has been taken from us. 

And so I think that all of that grief only intensified my grief for Austin today. Because in many ways, I think the grief of COVID parallels the grief I've experienced from the loss of Austin. 

He was gone too quickly. It was so abrupt and we were not prepared. All normalcy was suddenly gone and we were left to figure out how to adapt in this life with Austin gone. And two years on, I still struggle. I still grieve what was taken from us, I still grieve that life will never been the same without Austin. I grieve that Jacob has to adapt to this world without his dad. 

It's been a rough week all around. We continue to watch this pandemic grow. We watch as some of our leaders are working hard to do what they can in the situation and we watch as some of our leaders continue to fail us. We watch as we see how this pandemic has thrown into view much of what is not working in our current system and we struggle to agree on ways to address the growing needs. 

In Minnesota, we received a shelter-in-place order for two weeks and extended closure of many businesses, including the Y. So we struggle with what this means, how we will make this work, we struggle with the enormous amount of questions that arise and so few answers. 

At the Y, we struggled this week to quickly prepare ourselves to work remotely from home. This meant upgrading and adding new technology that many are not familiar with and must learn on such a short timeframe. We struggled with how the organization will look after being closed for nearly two months. We struggled as we try to make sure we're staying as connected to our members as we can be. We struggled. Or at least, I struggled. 

And damnit, as I write this, I find myself needing to find some good in all this. Is that what happens when you have two pastors currently living the the house? In the midst of all the struggle, I can see how people are coming together, how people are supporting one another, how people are connecting with one another. We've always had this technology to keep us all connected but it's not until it's our final option that we seem to finally be using it. I've had video happy hours over the past week with friends that I don't connect with nearly enough. I've been able to connect with church members with live Facebook videos and groups to keep us connected. I've felt connected to different communities as we come together to help those in need. 

So yes, the grief is strong. But there is still much to be grateful for. There is still good to be found. But I'm also going to give myself some grace and know that it's okay to feel that grief. It's okay to let that grief consume you, but only for a little bit. 

My mom read this devotional and made me a copy a few weeks ago. And I think that's how I'm going to end this post. Today I am grieving. Today I am sad. Today I am missing someone I love. Today my coin is grief-up. 

March 22, 2020

When you're on Plan C... G? I? You let the Holy Spirit guide you. Thankful to be a part of this.

COVID-19 March 18, 2020

I saw this quote on Twitter yesterday

Every day represents a day like we’ve never had before. 

It could not be more true. When the conversations first started about the possibility of social distancing and isolation and self-quarantines, much of the talk seemed to be around "this is a time to slow down". What a perfect time to reconnect with your family, call up friends you haven't talked to in a while, play some board games, read some books, enjoy the outdoors. A chance to be still in God's presence and connect with Him. 

It sounded almost glamorous. A welcomed retreat from the world. An opportunity to breathe. And I was looking forward to being able to have this type of experience. 

But in reality? While so much has halted, I have never felt busier at my job. I have never felt so frazzled and overwhelmed with information coming at me from every direction.  I've never felt such an urgency to make sure I'm doing the right and best thing for Jacob. 

Suddenly, in addition to my own work, I feel obligated to collect as much information/resources as possible to provide Jacob over the next few weeks. (Please know, that I am extremely grateful for all of the resources that are being provide online and by our amazing teachers!!) I need to find him a place at the house where he can do some of his school work and activities. I need to clean my house! Because now that we're suddenly going to be spending a ton of time, I realize just how dirty and messy it is. I feel the need to put a schedule into place for Jacob, to limit his screen time, to keep him busy but with purposeful and meaningful activities. 

"This is fine."

While the Y has closed its doors temporarily, the job has not stopped. Communication to our members has never been more important. Creating resources to manage the chaos is essential. Creating resources to stay engaged with our members needs to happen right now. And every day, we have more questions and no answers. The situation is so fluid. 

I try to take some small comfort in knowing that literally everyone else is having the same sort of struggles. I try to remind myself that this is not a time for judgement but a time for grace. Grace for myself, grace for others. 

"Into the unknown!!!"

We are all, quite literally, heading into the unknown. And so, let's do this together. Let's be supportive of each other. Let's not judge each other. Let's show each other love and kindness. 

And while there is much fear and worry of what happens next, we must remember that God is with us. He is always here. And He will provide comfort. 

COVID-19 March 16, 2020

It's hard to know where to start. We're living during a time like none other before. The use of social media and apps like TimeHop will be helpful in remembering all the events that have led us to this current place. Because that really is a beast of its own. 

I've decided what I want to do is blog my personal experience during these COVID days. It has been insane how quickly the situation continues to change, day by day and hour by hour even. 

I was suppose to take a trip to Seattle, leaving March 26. If you were to talk to me just one week ago, I was still fairly confident that I would be going. But by Wednesday of last week, that started to falter and then it faltered quickly. We have postponed the trip. 

On Friday, Gov. Walz held a press conference letting Minnesotans know he was "opening the toolbox" to make sure we had all our tools prepared and ready to go when we need them. By Sunday, he held another conference to state that all schools would close by Wed. March 18 for two weeks for educators to prepare for long-distance learning. Tonight he's announced certain closures for bars, restaurants and other businesses. It is a crazy, crazy time. 

For me, I work at the YMCA. I'm the Marketing Director. It's a whole team of... well, me. I have to admit that it wasn't until Friday of last week that I realized, "hey, I'm the one that's responsible for coordinating and managing all of our communication out to members as the Y makes some tough decisions!" Ha ha. I can honestly say that I never imagined being in charge of an organization's communication and marketing plan during a worldwide pandemic. Why don't they teach you to prepare for that sort of stuff in college?!? 

The days are not necessarily 9-5 right now. (even now I can hear my phone chiming with the sound of incoming emails...) Some of the excitement started in on Sunday night, needing to make some announcements. And it extended into today. I have to add here that today was, if possible, even more chaotic than it could have been. Our Executive Director was home with the flu (awful timing!) and another senior manager was on her way back from out East. It's hard to make decisions when some of your leadership isn't readily available. But, we made it work. 

But once we decided what we finally wanted to say, we weren't ready for the questions we were going to get. It was a reminder of just how difficult and confusing this time is right now - for everyone. There is no roadmap, no template on how to do this. We're making it up as we go. 

Many of the questions we were getting was about membership. For our already busy membership director, things were going to get worse. And so one of the accomplishments I was proud of today was creating a standard response that could be sent to all members, directing them to our website where they were asked to fill out a form with their specific membership update request. We got the form created and online and are hopeful that it will help us process the requests in a more timely manner. 

I also needed to add a section to our webpage where we could continue to update members on different programming and such. One central location they can go to see everything we've had to say so far, and see how quickly it continues to change. 

Tomorrow, we plan to create some sort of form that will work for our different programs as well. Anything to make this process a bit smoother. 

I also sent out a social media plan to the office staff, asking them to start brainstorming some specific ideas for their areas on how we can stay present on social media while the Y is closed. 

It was an exhausting day. And it made me realize that if this was an exhausting day for me, I can't even imagine what it's been like and what it's going to continue to be like for our healthcare professionals, for our elected and community leaders, for those that continue to work on the frontlines of this. All I can do is lift those people up in prayer and ask God to provide them the strength they need. 

Today was also Jacob's first day with no school. Luckily his Aunt Meg is home for a couple of days and was able to take care of today. Once we got word that schools were closing, we started to plan some activities for Jacob. I downloaded some learning apps on the tablet. He was so excited to "homeschool". He said Meg was the teacher and that Papa was the principal. But that he didn't want to be sent to the principal's office (which was the bedroom because Papa is currently out with a cold). Haha. 

Even this morning, when I was in the shower, he came into the bathroom and sat on the floor with the tablet and said, "I'm so excited to learn!" He's too cute. 

But Megan did a great job with him today. They stuck to a schedule, Jacob had limited screen time and they even did the Doodles with Mo Willems! How fun! 

I've been extremely impressed by the number of companies offering up free online educational services, or virtual museum tours, or fun activities to help with the kids while they're home. Social media is proving to be a key factor in keeping us all connected while we're not together.