Happy 6th Birthday, Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my favorite little boy, although not so little any more!!

Jacob, you continue to amaze me every single day. Watching you grow and learn new things is fascinating. You are, in many ways, your father's son. You talk nonstop. You are a silly goofball who loves to make people laugh. And you are just so happy. 

You make me laugh with your funny little quips and your imagination continues to grow. I love listening to you playing, telling stories or singing your own songs. You are incredibly clever and kind. Although, you do still favor the 'bad guys'.... :) 

You are not shy by any means, not afraid to talk to anyone and everyone. Wherever we go, people around us get to experience the joy of life you share. You'll say hi to everyone or go up to strangers or anyone who will listen and say "guess what?". You also like to talk about yourself probably the most! :) You went through a phase where you were in love with telling jokes. You would make up your own, ask us to tell jokes and just love to laugh. 

You can charm the pants off pretty much anyone, no matter where we are - the dentist, the children's museum, the barbershop, the park... And you don't even realize you're doing it. You're just that sweet and amazing and kind. 

You are still full of questions. You call yourself the Question Boy. You also call yourself Toy Boy in an attempt to continue to get more toys to add to your growing collection... But you love to ask questions. You are so curious about everything. You'll ask about new words you've just learned and what they mean. You'll ask about the why the weather does strange things. You'll ask about bugs or what I'm doing when I'm trying to work. You have to find all the answers. 

You continue to mature every single day. Things that you use to struggle with or not want to do, you now do bravely and without whining. It makes me so incredibly proud. 

You finished a year of Knights Plus at school. You grew so much over the past year. And like so much else in your life, you ended the year much stronger and smarter. I think next year at Kindergarten, you're going to thrive. 

You currently LOVE numbers. All numbers. All things numbers. All things math. You love telling time, knowing the time, wanting to know how much time. You want to know everyone's age. You can count extremely well and even more so, you've learned to do basic addition - both verbally and by writing down math problems. You are so incredibly smart for your age. 

You still love tractor rides and all things dinosaurs. You have also gotten into Transformers, StoryBots and the Magic School Bus. You have a globe that you love looking at and asking questions like "when are we going to go here?" (aka the middle of Russia and probably never) You really love playing with anything because of your amazing creative imagination. You're getting more and more comfortable on your bike too. 

You love to walk and run around, especially at parks and you love to go exploring on the playground equipment. You love bouncy-houses - especially this one that you climb up the one side with a rope and slide down the slide on the other side. 

And you still love reading books. We've been working on reading some sight words and you like to read certain parts of some of your favorite books. Soon you'll be reading on your own! 

Every day I am amazed by you. I love your joy, your happiness, your loving heart. I love your innocent and free spirit and your crazy imagination. I love your laugh and your smile. I love your hugs and your kisses. You are absolutely my favorite boy. 

I love you. Happy Birthday. 

My Journey to be Debt-Free

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now. As I inch closer and closer to my ultimate goal of being debt-free. 

Recently, I did a thing. A huge, very adult thing. I made my last ever student loan payment. Eleven years after graduating college. Which isn't too bad, considering they generally set you up on a ten-year repayment plan and there was more than once I had to defer my loan payments or get those payments lowered. 

I am forever grateful for my experience at college. I wouldn't change it for the world. But it is a huge relief, a huge burden lifted to be finally done making payments on my student loans. 

I've been on this debt-free journey for a few years now. But before I tell you my story, I need you to know that getting to this point took some hard lessons being learned, it meant making sacrifices, it meant working hard but it also took a lot of luck. I've been very fortunate in some of my circumstances that have made this journey easier than it could have been. 

I will be the first to admit that I am no money expert. In fact, for most of my life, money was definitely not my strong suit. Just ask my sister. She loves to tell people how I supposedly "bullied" her into sharing her allowance and saved money when we were on vacation. Haha!! She's also not wrong. I liked to spend money, not save it. And that can be a hard habit to break. 

I had summer jobs growing up and worked my way through college so I knew the value of hard work and money being earned. After college, I landed a job that paid very well but I hate to admit that I was foolish with that money. Looking back, I just cringe at the thought. I was making more money than I needed at the time. Yet, I was not good at saving it or putting it towards student loan payments. Instead, I enjoyed spending that money - on eating out more than I should, on things I didn't need and who knows what else. 

After AJ and I got married, we realized neither of us was good with money. A super great combination. HA! We continued to enjoy a lifestyle that was not extravagant but was also not necessarily within our budget. But how would we have known? We didn't have a budget back then. Between some poor life decisions, low-paying jobs and some big moves, we quickly racked up our credit card debt. We were also feeling the sting of those overdraft fees on our checking account. We were living paycheck to paycheck and often we didn't have enough each month. AJ and I both deferred our student loans payments a few different times to help ease the burden. We just had not figured out how to properly manage our money. 

During this time, my parents offered to pay for us to attend a Dave Ramsey course. We jumped at the opportunity, sick of our financial situation. And we learned a lot of great things. We learned we had a lot of work ahead of us. But we got excited about the process. You bet we cut up our credit cards! You bet we put up a debt snowball sheet on our fridge. That looked incredibly daunting, by the way! 

But we did start chipping away. We knew what needed to be done. 

I wish I could say that the start of this journey started back then. But that's not true. Soon, AJ's addiction continued to grow into a larger issue. At some desperate points, AJ would find a doctor to give him pills, but because insurance had already been used, he'd pay out of pocket for them. That was never cheap. On top of that, we had medical bills from the few times AJ ended up in the hospital or at treatment because of his addiction. His addiction kept him from work at times and with those bills piling up, it felt like a very dark place. 

I do not hold this against AJ. He was sick. But it got to the point where I had to start making some difficult decisions to keep Jacob and I financially secure. We got different checking accounts. We got divorced. Although, even after that, I still continued to help AJ financially. He was the father to my son. He was the man I loved. I didn't want to see him fail. It took me until a couple of months after our divorce before I was finally strong enough to break that pattern. 

I think the tipping point for me when I was truly able to start this journey came once we moved back to Minnesota. We moved in with my parents, what we thought would be a temporary stay. And three years later, I'm still in the basement. I believe that this, above all else, has been key to my success. My parents have been too fortunate and kind allowing Jacob and I to live there. While we agreed on some monthly rent, they would also allow me to skip that some months if I had other bills to pay. I had no utility bills. We share streaming services. I'll pitch in to buy some groceries. But the amount of money I've saved by living with my parents is a huge contribution to my debt-free journey. And I am incredibly grateful to them. 

I finally started working my debt snowball seriously. Each debt that was paid off, I added that amount to my next debt. It makes a huge difference. Any extra money I got from Christmas or a tax refund went to pay off some debt. I had some inheritance money that I received that also went straight to my debt. I've worked a seasonal second job for the past three years and have used that money to pay off my debt. 

I also started to actually use the budget I had created for myself. A detailed budget that included all of my expenses, how much money from each paycheck and where the money could be spent. This has helped me to avoid extra spending - not always - but much more often! Each paycheck has a designated set of bills to pay. Another life hack I used was when putting my budget together, I would round down on the amount of money each paycheck would be and round up on my bills. This would generally ensure I had enough money and even some extra at times. This was helpful for those extra and sometimes unexpected bills. I also always had my debt totals right next to my budget so would remember what I was working towards. 

It was only because of each of these things, each of these circumstances, that I am at the place I'm at today. And I'm also not quite there. 

My last remaining debt is my car payment, which some argue whether or not that should qualify under debt. But it is a monthly payment that I make. Plus, if you ask Dave Ramsey, he's all about buying cars with cash! But, I hope to have my car paid off within the next year. 

I do have a couple of credit cards with some charges on them. But I only use them for big purchases and always make more than the minimal payment required. I no longer rely on credit cards to pay my bills or help me survive until the next paycheck. 

And I finally got that saving-thing down. I'm contributing towards my retirement. I'm putting money aside for Jacob's schooling one day. I've got money from every paycheck that never comes to my checking account and instead goes into a separate savings account - even at a different establishment than my every day bank. I have an app on my phone that rounds up the extra cents from each purchase and saves them in another account. I try not to spend any $5 bills I receive and instead stick them away somewhere. I've even added "additional savings" to my budget for things like medical bills, car costs, etc. 

I will still claim that I am no money expert. But I am finally in a place that I feel confident about my financial situation. I feel more financially secure than I ever have. And I also can see a bright future ahead of being able to live and enjoy life without being financially insecure. And that is truly an amazing feeling. 

One Year Later

It's been one year since you left us forever. 

There was no warning.
No goodbyes.
No explanation. 

When I think about this date one year ago, it seems that the year went by incredibly quick. But when I think about the past year, it seems nonexistent, like time stopped all together. 

When you left, it brought a painful end to a number of struggles. But it also brought a painful beginning to new struggles. 

Over the past year, I've had thoughts and feelings and emotions that I didn't know where possible to have. I experienced grief on an entirely new level. I've been reading books and articles on grief and they comfort me because I don't think anyone can truly understand what it's like to really understand grief until they experience it personally. It's a strange thing. 

One year ago, our lives changed forever. One year ago, I can remember clearly when I found out, yet the next few days, weeks are fuzzy. One year ago, I started asking questions knowing that I would probably never find the answers. One year ago, I had to tell the sweetest four-year-old that you were gone forever. 

There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about you. Probably not even an hour. 

Sometimes I still feel shocked that you're gone. There is always sadness and pain. And I've also felt a lot of anger. The grief can be all-consuming. 

I've waited over the past year, prayed, hoped, wished for some sort of closure. Maybe a letter from you will show up in the mail. Maybe it wouldn't provide all the answers to the questions I have, but would give me something. I'd be lying if I said I still don't pray for that some days. 

I've struggled to understand. To understand why. To understand what you were feeling. To understand why you felt this was your only way out. To understand if there was something more I didn't know. To understand how you could leave Jacob and me. One year later, I still don't understand any of it. 

You've been gone for one year. Although, if I'm being honest, in a way, you were gone long before then. Yet I couldn't tell you if that makes the physical lost of you harder or easier. 

One year later. I'm still not okay. This is not okay. I'm not sure this will ever be okay. 


--
I believe that the first anniversary* of a death is always going to be extremely hard, yet this week has been more than I imagined it would be. In some strange, cruel twist of fate or irony - I don't know - I have been forced to essentially relive these three days or so from exactly one year ago. 

That Thursday night one year ago, it was Kindergarten Round Up at school. We had pretty much decided that Jacob wasn't going to go to Kindergarten but planned on attending the evening to learn more about the Knights Plus program. This Thursday night, Jacob and I attended the Kindergarten Round Up as he prepares to enter Kindergarten next fall. 

Last year, I don't remember exactly, but Jacob stayed home. I think he wasn't feeling good. When I talked/texted Austin, he decided he wasn't going to come or I told him it wasn't necessary since Jacob wasn't with me. He also might have been stuck working later than he originally thought. I think that was the last time I talked to him. I can't remember if he called later that night to say goodnight to Jacob, as was our ritual. I want to say he did. 

I can't stop thinking about what could have happened if he had come with that night. Would I have been able to see his struggles? Would I be able to tell something was off? What if Jacob had come along? Would seeing Jacob that night made a difference? I logically understand that the outcome was probably never mine to change, but that doesn't stop the thoughts from coming. 

Then Friday. What should have been a normal and uneventful day at the office until everything changed. I almost found myself constantly looking behind me, waiting for a co-worker to come and tell me that the sheriff deputy was there and wanted to talk to me. I left work early; I couldn't be in the building around that same time one year later. I also had a doctor's appointment scheduled, a yearly check-in. Last year, this happened the Monday after it happened. I remember going, feeling like a hot mess of emotions. This year's appointment felt no different. Although there was more anger. Anger that I had to be having these conversations about my mental well-being at literally the worst time of the year.

And Saturday, the actually anniversary date. Last year, there was nothing but fog and sadness. I remember basically nothing. Will today be the same?  

It feels like I've been watching and performing in some slow-moving movie where I know what's going to happen, but can't stop it from happening. It's felt a bit like torture actually. 

This is hard. This is nothing like anything I could have expected. There are so many feelings it's hard to adequately describe how I feel or tell you how I'm doing. I just know that for right now, I am not okay. But for right now, that's okay. 




*Why is there not a better term for the annual recurrence of events that are not happy or celebratory? Can we create one? 'Anniversary' just seems too happy. 

The First Miracle of Jesus

I started writing this as a Facebook post, but it started to get a little long... :)

I've been thinking about this morning's gospel lesson and sermon a lot. The text was from John 2 (1-11) when Jesus changes water into wine, his first miracle. In verse 9 you read, "He did not realize where it [wine] had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew"

It's a simple sentence. One you probably quickly pass over. But it was pointed out in the sermon and it's worth taking a second look at. Verse 11 reads, "What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory" This was a big deal. It was the first sign. The first miracle. The first of many to come. It holds importance.

But what we read in verse 9 is that Jesus did not perform his miracle in front of the wedding party or guests. He performed his first miracle before the servants. The poorest, lowliest and oppressed. These were the very first to witness a miracle.

And from that moment on, that would be continue to be Jesus' focus. He continued to show love, to help, to preach to those people: the poor, the oppressed, the lonely, the sick, the widowed, the children. Those who most people considered to be beneath them, Jesus embraced with open arms.

Now, this continued to stick with me throughout the rest of the day, especially as I scrolled through Facebook and Twitter, seeing and reading stories of everything happening in our nation right. A government shutdown, employees working with no pay or not being able to work at all, discussions of a wall, videos showing disrespect, anger over a razor commercial and what seems like to me, too much hate.

Many people believe that America is a Christian nation. While America was in fact founded on the freedom of religion and freedom from persecution because of religion. Meaning - we all get to choose. And if someone doesn't choose to believe in what I believe, they have that freedom and right to do so. But Christianity has been the majority religion for many years and brings us back to the idea of why people think America is a Christian nation. So let's argue for a second that this is the case. America is a Christian nation.

Let's go back to verse nine from today's lesson. "He did not realize where it [wine] had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew" Who did Jesus perform his first miracle in front of? Who did he continue to share his message with?

The poor, the oppressed, the sick, the widowed, the lonely, the children. Jesus' message was to love others. He said  "And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"

And I think about the state of the nation today. And if America wants to claim to be a Christian nation, it has to be asked: Are they following the message of Jesus? Are they loving others as themselves? Are they helping the poor, the oppressed, the sick, the children, the lonely?

And my answer would be no. Overall, there are too many "Christians" who are not following the teachings of Jesus.

We should be welcoming those who are running from violence and war. We should be working to ensure every person has affordable healthcare. We should be working towards an economy that benefits all Americans and not just the top 1 percent. We should be loving and accepting ALL people. We should be fighting against the injustice. I'm sure this list could continue.

But as a nation, we are failing. We are failing at being a "Christian nation". Those in top positions are failing our nation.

If Americans want to claim that America is a Christian nation, maybe we should start acting like it.

2019: Focus

2018 was... well, it was a rough year. 

I started the year tracking how each day went - great, good, okay, bad, awful - like I did in 2017. But after February, I stopped. After February, the rest of the year just sort of happened and I'm not really sure how. After February, I would have good or even great days, but they still felt like they were tied to a rock of numbness, pain, sadness. After February, I feel like I just sort of floated through, did what I needed to survive but nothing more. All of which is completely understandable. 

But after reading a recap of 2017, I decided I wanted 2019 to be better. I need it to be better. For me. For Jacob. And with that, I knew my 2019 Word of the Year needed to be FOCUS. 

This year, I'm going to focus on those things that I need in order to feel like I'm actually doing and living again. I'm going to focus on my health. I'm going to focus on being a better parent to Jacob. I'm going to focus on spending more time with God. I want to be more intentional with my time and focus. 

I realize that 2019 will still be hard in many ways that it was in 2018. There are still so many feelings and things to process. But I need to focus on that as well, work through it, instead of just letting it happen. 

So I'm going to focus on the things I can change in 2019. Focus on intentional. Focus on Jacob. Focus on me. Focus on God. Focus on being present. Focus on doing better. Focus on my goals. Focus on family and friends. Focus on love and happiness. Focus on what's most important to me. 

Focus. 

2018 - The Year of Hope?

At the beginning of the year, I determined my Word of the Year was going to be Hope. You can read all about why I chose this word in my first blog post of the year. Even with that initial blog post, I'm not sure I had much conviction about why HOPE was my 2018 Word of the Year.

As I reflect back on this past year, I struggled to understand why HOPE was the my word. Why was I called to have that word surround me? What was the point? The meaning?

Especially as this past year, there were moments when I've never felt more hopeless. There were moments that hope seemed like the farthest thing possible. Instead there was pain and sadness and grief and anger. This past year was a year where a person I love decided to give up all hope.

It felt at times that my word was only taunting me. Reminding me of the things I lost, the things I'll never have. Dangling just out of my reach.

Until now. During this advent season. When I read an advent devotional*. Below are the words that spoke out to me. 

In the midst of a world of fear, we can still keep the faith. In the midst of darkness, we can still know light. During a time of sorrow, we can still find joy. 

All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope. 

Without hope, we get stuck in this anger and it simply leaves a path of destruction in its wake. But when we hope, we also find the courage to act, to speak, to believe and even to wait. 

At the top of the page in the devotional book, I circled the word HOPE in the title. Next to it I wrote "my 2018 word of the year, still don't know why" before reading the rest of the devotional. 

And it was when I read this sentence: "All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope." that I thought - is this it? Is this why HOPE was my 2018 word of the year? That after all the very bad and the pain and sadness, there is STILL HOPE. 

Maybe it truly is as simple as that. After a year of feeling hopeless, of grief, of anger, of pain, I can acknowledge that there is indeed still hope. Hope to keep going. Hope to keep loving. Hope for transformation. Hope in God. 

In a lot of ways, it was not a great year. It was a hard year. But as I reflect now, I can see the moments of hope. I can understand how hope kept me going, even if I didn't realize that's what it was. And I can believe that hope will continue. 

I sit in awe of the fact that God spoke this word of HOPE to me over a year ago. I'm glad I listened even when I didn't understand. And I'm grateful for the understanding now. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 


*For those wondering, the devotional came from Advent Devotional provided by my church, Christ the King Lutheran. Devotionals and messages were submitted by staff and members of the congregation. This devotional of hope? Well, it was written by Pastor Trish. Darn those mothers for always knowing what to say. :) 

 

The Second Un-Anniversary...

Today was the second Un-Anniversary. My Facebook memories and TimeHop app bombarded me with pictures and happiness and well wishes and sappy posts. 

It was just one year ago, I wrote about the First Un-Anniversary. I made myself reread it today. 

I wrote about how last year at this time, I was grieving the loss of my marriage. 

I'm mourning. Grieving. It's a strange sort of loss to experience. I've lost something and someone that was so much a part of me, who I loved incredibly much. But in the physical sense, you're still here. I still see you, talk to you. Sometimes it feels like my grief will be a like a wound, reopening every time I interact with you, never able to completely heal. 

And here I am, one year later. Still grieving. But in an entirely new sense. I'm grieving the physical loss of that man. The man I once called my best friend, my husband, the father of my child. In a way, it's like I'm experiencing this Un-Anniversary all over for the first time again. 

I'll admit I didn't dwell on this day as it approached. Maybe because I knew it would do no good. Maybe because I've kept myself too busy to think about anything. I even managed most of the day without dwelling on what this day was. And then I let myself into that space. 

Re-reading last year's blog post. Seeing our wedding pictures. Seeing the old Facebook posts from family and friends, the sappy posts we wrote for each other. Thinking about all that you're missing. Singing songs that we've sung together at church tonight. Watching our amazing little boy run around. And my heart aches. 

And I know that this grief is like a whole new wound. One that will continue to reopen. I know that I will still need to take things one day at a time. I know that I need to let go of things and move on. 

But I also know that missing you will never go away. That loving you will never go away. I know that you will always be a part of Jacob's and my life, somehow. But the fact that you're no longer physically here, well it physically hurts some days. Today was one of those days.