2018 - The Year of Hope?

At the beginning of the year, I determined my Word of the Year was going to be Hope. You can read all about why I chose this word in my first blog post of the year. Even with that initial blog post, I'm not sure I had much conviction about why HOPE was my 2018 Word of the Year.

As I reflect back on this past year, I struggled to understand why HOPE was the my word. Why was I called to have that word surround me? What was the point? The meaning?

Especially as this past year, there were moments when I've never felt more hopeless. There were moments that hope seemed like the farthest thing possible. Instead there was pain and sadness and grief and anger. This past year was a year where a person I love decided to give up all hope.

It felt at times that my word was only taunting me. Reminding me of the things I lost, the things I'll never have. Dangling just out of my reach.

Until now. During this advent season. When I read an advent devotional*. Below are the words that spoke out to me. 

In the midst of a world of fear, we can still keep the faith. In the midst of darkness, we can still know light. During a time of sorrow, we can still find joy. 

All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope. 

Without hope, we get stuck in this anger and it simply leaves a path of destruction in its wake. But when we hope, we also find the courage to act, to speak, to believe and even to wait. 

At the top of the page in the devotional book, I circled the word HOPE in the title. Next to it I wrote "my 2018 word of the year, still don't know why" before reading the rest of the devotional. 

And it was when I read this sentence: "All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope." that I thought - is this it? Is this why HOPE was my 2018 word of the year? That after all the very bad and the pain and sadness, there is STILL HOPE. 

Maybe it truly is as simple as that. After a year of feeling hopeless, of grief, of anger, of pain, I can acknowledge that there is indeed still hope. Hope to keep going. Hope to keep loving. Hope for transformation. Hope in God. 

In a lot of ways, it was not a great year. It was a hard year. But as I reflect now, I can see the moments of hope. I can understand how hope kept me going, even if I didn't realize that's what it was. And I can believe that hope will continue. 

I sit in awe of the fact that God spoke this word of HOPE to me over a year ago. I'm glad I listened even when I didn't understand. And I'm grateful for the understanding now. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 


*For those wondering, the devotional came from Advent Devotional provided by my church, Christ the King Lutheran. Devotionals and messages were submitted by staff and members of the congregation. This devotional of hope? Well, it was written by Pastor Trish. Darn those mothers for always knowing what to say. :) 

 

The Second Un-Anniversary...

Today was the second Un-Anniversary. My Facebook memories and TimeHop app bombarded me with pictures and happiness and well wishes and sappy posts. 

It was just one year ago, I wrote about the First Un-Anniversary. I made myself reread it today. 

I wrote about how last year at this time, I was grieving the loss of my marriage. 

I'm mourning. Grieving. It's a strange sort of loss to experience. I've lost something and someone that was so much a part of me, who I loved incredibly much. But in the physical sense, you're still here. I still see you, talk to you. Sometimes it feels like my grief will be a like a wound, reopening every time I interact with you, never able to completely heal. 

And here I am, one year later. Still grieving. But in an entirely new sense. I'm grieving the physical loss of that man. The man I once called my best friend, my husband, the father of my child. In a way, it's like I'm experiencing this Un-Anniversary all over for the first time again. 

I'll admit I didn't dwell on this day as it approached. Maybe because I knew it would do no good. Maybe because I've kept myself too busy to think about anything. I even managed most of the day without dwelling on what this day was. And then I let myself into that space. 

Re-reading last year's blog post. Seeing our wedding pictures. Seeing the old Facebook posts from family and friends, the sappy posts we wrote for each other. Thinking about all that you're missing. Singing songs that we've sung together at church tonight. Watching our amazing little boy run around. And my heart aches. 

And I know that this grief is like a whole new wound. One that will continue to reopen. I know that I will still need to take things one day at a time. I know that I need to let go of things and move on. 

But I also know that missing you will never go away. That loving you will never go away. I know that you will always be a part of Jacob's and my life, somehow. But the fact that you're no longer physically here, well it physically hurts some days. Today was one of those days. 

Jacob's First Day of School 2018

You had your first day of full time school today. You started Knights Plus - a clever program for late spring/summer babies who aren't quite ready for Kindergarden, but ready for more than Preschool. You go all five days during the week, for the full day. You pick the bus up near daycare and ride it back again after school. 

We met your teacher earlier this week. You explored the classroom and were too excited to answer any questions really! You found legos and scissors that cut different designs. You helped put away your school supplies and found your cubby and the place to hang your backpack. You were told you'll have a lunch number now and so we practiced it until you had it memorized - it didn't take you long. When I picked you up from daycare on this day, I showed you were you would be getting on and off the bus. You told me, "I know Mom! You don't need to tell me!" I didn't know I didn't need to tell you! 

 

I drove you to the bus stop this morning. While normally I'll drop you off at daycare and then you'll walk, I was having first day nerves. As we drove, I asked you some questions: Do you know where to get off the bus? "At school." Will you follow the other kids into the school building? "Yes." If you don't remember where your classroom is, you should ask an adult - can you do that? "Mom, I don't need to! I remember where my classroom is!" Okay, but in case you get lost, what do you do? "Ask an adult." 

As the bus pulled up, I helped you out of the car and put your backpack on. The other kids were already on the bus so you took off running and yelled "Wait for me!" It was the cutest thing. That image of your running to the bus - a big bus - and stepping on board. You're really growing up. 

I waited for the bus to pull away before getting back in the car. I took a couple of deep breaths. I didn't cry. I was a little surprised by that. I've felt like crying the past few days thinking about your first day. I wish your dad was here to see you head off to school - such a smart little man. I asked him to be with you and watch over you, keep you safe. 

I need you to remember that you are smart. You are brave. You are kind. I will tell you often. I'm so proud you're my son. 


I got a text and a picture from Amber about 3:30 - you made it through your first day! She asked you what was your favorite thing you did at school and you said, "snack!" 

I wasn't surprised by your answer. And it was the same thing you told me when I asked you when I picked you up. You told me you had a great day, that you remembered your lunch number, that you liked eating in the cafeteria. You told me you had fun playing. 

On the drive home, you started to yawn. I said, "You had a long day; are you tired?" And you said "Yes." I asked, "Are you going to go to bed early tonight?" And you said, "Nope!"

Typical. 

I'm so happy you had a great first day. I'm happy you enjoyed riding the bus and there were no issues. I'm happy you're excited to go back again tomorrow. I'm happy for the friends you're going to make and the things you're going to learn. I'm happy that you're so happy! 

Here's to a great year of Knights Plus, Buddy. I love you. 

A 2018 Update

It's officially June 2018 and I haven't done a proper update for any of 2018. Understandable, all things considered, but I still think it's important to provide an update. I love being able to go back and read old blog posts to see what sort of things were going on in our lives at that point. So, here it goes. 

The year started out like any other. Early in January, I auditioned for a local choir, Minnesota Valley Chorale and was offered a spot in the choir. I was excited to get back to more singing! I also underestimated the demand and level of excellence that was expected from me with the group. But I'm not complaining, it was like being back with the Wartburg Choir, and fun do to some really challenging pieces of music again. Unfortunately, we only got to perform one of our concerts, the other being cancelled by a blizzard. The experience was amazing and I hope to continue to be a part of the group! 

*****

Well, I started this post in June. It's now August 3rd. So this post seems to be going about the same as 2018, it feels like. Let's see if I can wrap this up. 

I also helped my aunt during the first two months as she ran for MN House Rep in a special election. It was a fun and crazy experience - I can't even image how crazy for her! And it also gave me a small idea of what it would be like if I ever decided to run for office and um... well, let's just say I'm not sure about that any more. :) 

Jacob continued to do great at preschool

*****

Seriously, I'm on a role. It's August 30th. Let's see if I can actually finish this thing. (I said this last time...)

Jacob continued to do great at preschool. This fall he'll be doing the Knights Plus program - basically a pre-kindergarden program for late spring/summer birthday kids. It's a level higher than preschool and he'll be at school five days a week for the full day. I'm really excited for this opportunity for Jacob! I think it's going to be the perfect fit for him. He's excited to get started, to able to ride the bus both to school and back to daycare, and we're excited to meet his teacher next week at conferences. 

Honestly, after February, much of the year so far seems a blur. Life obviously continued to go on and our lives were busy. But I think I was - and sometimes still - functioning on survival mode. 

I tried to stay present for Jacob. I set a goal to go on adventures this summer, just Jacob and I. And I'll admit, we didn't do nearly as many as I wanted. The few we did were very fun adventures though. I can't believe that summer is coming to end. It flew by. It seems like we were so busy yet didn't do anything. 

I did have some opportunities to hang out with old friends, ones I don't see to see very often. And I can't tell you how refreshing that is. I only wish we could do it more! But I'm grateful for these friendships and our time together and conversations. 

At the beginning of August, I got to do something I've never done before. I particpated in a 5K. I'm not big on the whole excerise thing. :) But this 5K had been planned in memory of Austin. Focus Up on Mental Health. Bringing awareness to mental health, donating the proceeds to NAMI. It was an honor to be a part of. It was good to honor AJ's memory. It felt like we were fighting for something, helping others. 

I love this picture of Jacob. Running to the finish line. As the group I was walking with entered the track again, Jacob joined us. While I thought he would walk with us, holding my hand, he took off, running the length of the track and across the finish line. I'm not sure Jacob truly understood what we were doing or why, but I do believe that his dad was with him at this moment. 

Earlier this month, we took our first big family vacation, with all of us kids now being adults. The seven us flew down to Florida to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday - it was totally a birthday wish come true for him! :) We spent three and half days in Orlando at Disney and Universal Studios. Jacob was an absolute champ. He surived all three park days without a stroller and at least 6 or 7 hours at the parks each day. There were of course some mini meltdowns and too many gifts bought... but I was very proud of how he did. We spent some time at the Kennedy Space Center and then a full day at Cocoa Beach. Thank goodness for the beach umbrellas at our Airbnb! Although a majority of us still got sunburned and I got stung by a jellyfish. So super fun times! :) Jacob loved the ocean and the waves and it was so amazing to experience his first trip to the ocean. Once we landed back in Minnesota, Jacob decided he could finally rest since vacation was over. Immediately after we got off the plane, Jacob fell asleep while my dad, Dan and I carried his dead weight through the airport. :) 

It was super hot in Florida and while that was nice some of the time - or all the time if you're my mom - it was nice to come back to some cooler weather. Although it immediately put me in the mood for fall. And yesterday seemed to be a step through that Summer-Fall transition. The weather has been cooler and sleeping with the windows open has been amazing. I had orienation at Fun.com where I'll work my third year doing customer service for their busy season. Worship choir rehearsal started back up again. And my calendar is quickly filling up with all those activities that come with school starting, church activities and other fall fun. 

I reread a post from this time last year and how I was hesitant to welcome fall. It's unbelievable how much as changed in a year. But I'm more ready for fall this year. I'm ready for this next season. I'm ready for the fresh start fall promises. I'm ready to turn a new leaf and start moving past survival mode. Now let's see if I can actually make that happen. 

Happy Birthday Jacob!

You woke up early on your birthday. Like 6 a.m. on the dot. The first words out of your mouth were, "Mommy, tell me Happy Birthday!" And then you raced upstairs to open presents. 

It is so fun to watch you go through this world with your unlimited joy. I cannot believe how quickly you continue to grow and learn. I am forever amazed by the things you say and do. You are truly a light of joy and happiness. 

My heart aches knowing what you've gone through in the past year of your life and what that means for each year moving forward. But I know that you have such a good heart and a strong love, and those will serve you well. 

Your year of five already promises to be an exciting one! You received your first-ever bike and are learning how to ride it. Right now, it may be tough, but I know one day you're going to love zooming all over on your bike. We have a family trip planned to Disney World - your first big vacation, first theme park and first trip the ocean! I'm curious to see how it all goes. And this fall, you are starting the Knights Plus program in Lake Crystal, going to school five days a week. I know you're going to love that! 

You still love all things dinosaur. And I mean ALL THINGS DINOSAUR. You can never have enough dinosaur toys. Seriously. I'm tempting to round them all up just to count how many you do have, but I don't know that we would be able to locate them all! 

You love playing good guys and bad guys, and in fact, you still like being the bad guy more often than not. You enjoy watching YouTube videos, especially of other kids playing or opening new toys. Whenever you find a character you like, whether it's from a book, movie or game, you want it as a toy. You love helping Nana mow or going to the farm with Papa to "play pool". Of course you still love tractors and farming. 

Recently you've done a lot of singing. You'll make up your own songs and tell some sort of story, all while dancing around the room in circles. I love these story songs. You and Nana also like telling stories by taking turns. You've had some interesting stories! You also like to play the piano while I sing a song. You like throwing the ball down the stairs and having someone throw it back up to you. You love bouncing. You love going to the park. You love watching me play Donkey Kong. 

You also love to read. And this warms my heart!! You love to have stories read to you. You get the library fairly often with Nana. You love any book about dinosaurs, the Pigeon books and right now you really love the Elephant and Piggy books. We read these so often, that you like to be either Piggy or Elephant - mostly Piggy. So we read those books together, me as Elephant and you "reading" the part of Piggy. It is adorable. And you have a good memory! 

We're continuing to work on letters and spelling. Soon we'll be teaching you to read! You love asking "What does this spell?" and then listing off different letters. Sometimes you manage to make a word, but not very often. You also like asking "What does __ and __ make?" Like what does 10 and 5 make? Or what is 4 and 6 and how do we get there? You have such a curious mind. The other night at dinner, I may have let you go a little crazy by letting you mix things up like your milk and ketchup or the ketchup in my water and stirring it up. You were having a blast. I might have to find you some sort of science kit for Christmas! 

You still love spending time with your cousins Evie and KK. You love visiting Nana and Papa Z at the farm. You love playing with your "brother" Liam. You actually keep asking for a baby brother or sister. You love the babies at daycare; playing with them and making them smile and laugh. 

You are the most wonderful kid, the light of my life. I love you so much. Happy Birthday. 

Jacob's Anecdotes vol. 4

Jacob had a dentist appointment a couple months ago. He did about as well as could be expected for a four year old. His favorite part was being able to squirt water from the little water spray thing. But anyway, throughout the appointment, Jacob was being told how well he was doing, to keep it up buddy, you're doing great, etc. When his appointment was over, he went out in the hall and looked into the room next door, where someone else was having their teeth cleaned. Jacob immediately peered in and said, "You're doing good, buddy!" Sweetest and cutest thing ever!

***

The other day at Easter dinner, Jacob decided he was done eating. The problem was he only ate his ham, a bun and a bunch of pickles. And so I told him he needs to eat at least one bite of corn and one bite of potatoes if he wants dessert. Well, at first, he just told me he didn't want dessert. But then he came back. He asked where the potatoes were and I pointed to the cheesey potatoes on his plate. He immediately said "nope!" I put one little cubed hashbrown on his fork and asked him to try it. I just held the fork in front of his mouth because I could see him working up the courage to take a bite. He took the bite and all was good. After eating a bite of corn he exclaimed "I get dessert!!" He told me he wanted the "white, chocolate and pink ice cream, becuase I like the pink ice cream now Mommy" When we sat back down at the table, Jacob put a small piece of the strawberry ice cream on a spoon and held it up to my face. He said, "Try it Mommy, just one bite. See how YOU like it!" Oh my gosh, I just died laughing. And of course, tried the ice cream! :) 

***

Jacob and I were recently at one of his therapy appointments. He was asked to play a game of Bingo. The therapist would call out an animal and told Jacob to see if he could find that animal on the bingo sheet. If he found it, he should cross it off with an "X". She called the first animal. Jacob looked down at his sheet for a few seconds and then drew one big X across the entire page and says "womp womp womp". It was hard to keep a straight face!!! 

***

This isn't really one story... but Jacob has started to make up his own songs. He'll tell you he has a song for you and then sings and dances around, making it up as he goes! And I have to admit, they're pretty good songs! Always a good story! And, he's got a pretty good voice! :) 

***

Jacob and I are helping "pet sit" Boomer the electronic dinosaur for my friend Brandon. One of the first nights, Jacob comes over to me and says, "Boomer just told me thank you for getting him away from the bad man. Brandon was the bad man." I think he's trying to convince me that Boomer needs to stay! Ha! 

M&J Adventure: Elm Creek Park Reserve

Jacob and I went on another one of our Mommy & Jacob Adventures! This time, to a new park!

I spent a couple hours in the early morning 'torturing' Jacob by having him smile nicely for his 5 year old photo shoot. My promise was that as soon as we were done, we'd go find a new park! And that's exactly what we did!

We loaded up the car and headed north - all the way to Maple Grove! We went to the Elm Creek Park Reserve which had an amazing play area. The ground was that bouncy rubber and was full of slopes and hills for kids to climb up or roll down. There were rocks and ropes for climbing, tall tunnel slides, a sand and play area for smaller kids, some unique swings and a wide variety of other equipment. 

Jacob was super impressed! He took off running and didn't stop once. "Mommy, over here! Mommy, you can't catch me! Mommy, you're too big for this!" I thought he might be a little hesitant to try to tall tunnel slides but he zipped right down! Until one time, while taking his time going down the tunnel, a few girls came in after him and Jacob got a foot to the head. He was down with the slides after that. 

By far his favorite activities at the park included "swinging". One was a round disc that kids could sit or lay down on while parents swing them back and forth. The other was almost like a zipline... they had a chair kids could be strapped into and could push the chair back and forth along the curved path. I was very impressed by fellow kids and parents - we had no issues with rude kids and all the parents were doing a great job about making sure kids were sharing and taking turns on the equipment. 

The weather was cloudy and a little bit chilly, but I was still sweating following Jacob all around, so I would say perfect weather for the park! After the park, we found some lunch and McDonald's and then I had promised Jacob a stop at the big yellow barn for some candy. 

Jacob fell asleep about 7 miles before the Candy Store but woke right up when we arrived. This was our first time stopping since the remodel and man, that place is just huge!! All the fun painting and decorations were super cool and of course, you can't beat the candy collection! 

We managed to get home by about 4pm where Jacob decided he wanted to help Nana mow. So I would say it was a successful adventure day at Elm Creek park! They did have a swimming area so we might have to check that out if we get back up there! 

Grief

Last night the tears came hard and fast. I hadn't been myself. Apparently, I have appeared down. But I couldn't quite put my finger on it right away. 

Then it came. The grief. The overpowering sadness. The realization that he's gone and can't come back. The unfairness of it. It all arrived quickly and knocked me down. The tears wouldn't stop. I struggled to catch my breath. 

There didn't seem to be any noticeable trigger. Instead, it appeared like a sudden downpour on a cloudless day. It felt raw and fresh. I'll admit, I was surprised by the intensity. The ferocity of pain and sadness.

I wanted to wrap myself in something of his. A sweatshirt or a t-shirt. The loss felt so distant and I craved to be near him again in some sort of sense. I had to stop myself from crawling into bed with Jacob and holding him as I cried, the one thing that will always connect us. 

And on top of all of that, the knowledge that it will never get better or easier. It will become different. The pain may be spread farther apart, but it will always be there. Lurking just below. 

Even today, it continues. A grief hangover. My eyes puffy and red. There's a heavy lead something in my chest, holding me down. Even my arms and legs feel hot and heavy. 

I feel alone on my island of grief. But that's okay. There's seems like nothing anyone could say or do to help me through this wave of grief. It'll pass and it'll come again. I feel like I need to just experience these emotions when they come. I don't need your pity. When I need your comfort, I'll come to you. But this pain and grief feels like mine alone. And mine alone to work through. 


I think with Father's Day on Sunday and Jacob's birthday around the corner, I'm stuck in a place of ... I don't even know. Sorrow of what he's missing out on. Mourning what Jacob is missing out on with him not around. And fear that I alone am not enough for Jacob. 

So no, I guess I'm not okay. But that's okay. I don't need to be okay right now. And I hope you can be okay with that too. I ask that you just keep letting me process my thoughts and feelings as I need to. I ask that you just let me be not okay sometimes. I promise that if it gets to be too much, I'll reach out. Maybe check in sometimes if you feel you need to, but try not to be upset if I only give noncommittal answers. Sometimes, that's the best I can do. 

I've often thought in the past few months that even when I wasn't doing okay, it was better to just act like I was. Easier for people to think things are fine. Easier than trying to answers questions about how I really feel when I can't even explain it to myself. But I'm just not sure I have the strength to do that anymore. 

I'm realizing just how tricky this feeling of grief can be. I will probably never understand it. But it is completely a part of me now. And I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be okay with that. 

Jacob and His Bike

I bought Jacob a bike. I've been feeling rather behind on this childhood milestone for awhile now. What five year old kid doesn't know how to ride a bike? Or even pedal? Mine, apparently. 

Jacob, for his part, kept asking why we couldn't just go for bike rides where he gets pulled along in the bike trailer. He kept insisting this way was best. 

My answer stayed the same. "You're getting too big for the trailer and I'm not strong enough to pull you." You see... it was always his dad who would pull the trailer. I think another part of me didn't want to take this memory away from Jacob. It's one of those memories he might actually remember well about his dad. 

Austin was so excited to get Jacob on his own bike. We almost bought him one for Christmas but Jacob was showing little interest in them so we didn't. I wish now we would have bought one then. Now, Austin will never get to see Jacob on his bike. He wasn't there the first time he climbed on. The first time he thought he was going to fall over before the training wheels caught him. The first time he managed to pedal across the driveway. He won't be there when those training wheels (hopefully) come off one day. Or for the many adventures Jacob will (hopefully) have while riding bike. 

I knew one of the things Austin was looking forward to so much was teaching Jacob how to ride a bike. I was excited for him to teach Jacob. I knew it would be such a great father/son bonding experience. 

But that's no longer an option. And with Jacob turning five, knowing that this birthday would have been the one we probably got him that first bike, I went ahead and purchased a bike. And Jacob. Well, Jacob cries every time I make him get on the bike and try to ride it. I'm not sure if he really just doesn't want to ride it, or if he can pick up on my emotions trying to teach him: "this should be your dad. your dad should be here." It's bittersweet every time I force him on that bike. I hate seeing him cry. And I hate seeing him struggle. But I also hate the fact that Austin isn't there to see it all too. 

Jacob and I will keep on truckin'. I'll keep forcing him to get on that bike. I'll make sure he learns how to ride. But I'll also make sure he knows how much his daddy wanted him to ride a bike and how much he would have loved going on bike rides together. 

And to end this post on a slightly more humorous note... One evening my dad and I were trying to get Jacob to bike across the driveway. He was crying and screaming, tears running down his face. He struggled to pedal. My dad said, "Jacob, you've got chicken legs!" And Jacob, bless his heart and through his tears, started clucking like a chicken. 

M&J Adventure: Sea Life

One of my goals or priorities of self-care is to take some quality time with Jacob and go on some adventures! Mommy & Jacob Adventures! It's surprising almost how many amazing and fun things there are to do within a 3 hour drive! I've a got a list ready for the summer so we'll see how much fun Jacob and I can have! 

Our first adventure was to visit Sea Life at the Mall of America. Neither Jacob or I have ever been. Jacob was excited the whole drive up for his adventure - he didn't yet know where we were going. Once we go there, he wasn't quite sure what to think but got excited again when I said there sharks!

He loved watching the sting rays, following them with the camera viewfinder. He loved the jellyfish and this one tank that had seahorses and a crab. He loved seeing the sharks in the tunnel but after a while just wanted to keep walking. I think I could have stayed there for hours watching all the fish swim by! 

At the gift shop, because I'm a sucker, Jacob got a snapper shark toy (pull the trigger and it open and closes it's mouth). He loved it. 

We had some food at the Rainforest Cafe and Jacob's favorite part of that by far was when a "thunderstorm" would happen. Oh man, he loved that! 

It was a fun afternoon adventure and we got some fun pictures to remember our visit! 

My Not-So-Perfect Life

I just finished reading a book. Like, it's 10:30pm and I should be in bed sleeping but I just finished this book five minutes ago and can't turn off my brain so I'm sitting in the dark blogging. It was a novel - My (not-so) Perfect Life. It was a cute and fun read.

Warning - potential spoiler alert! Basically, the book is about this woman who tries to make it seem like her life is perfect when clearly, it isn't. Mostly done by posting glam'd up pictures to Instagram. In the end, she creates an Instagram account called "my not so perfect life" and posts *real* every day pictures.

At the end of the author's acknowledgements, she writes, "I hope your life lives up to your Instagram posts..." or something to that effect. But I think she's got it wrong. I think we should be saying, "I hope your Instagram lives up to your life." (me attempting to be a philosopher - HA!)

We all do this. We all look at someone else's social media posts and pictures and think, "Wow. They have a perfect life." We look at their pictures and think they've got the fancy house, they go on the fun exotic trips, they've got a big loving family, they've got the ideal job, etc. And in turn, we take a look at our own lives and can only see the struggles, what's wrong, what we don't want but have.

We get trapped in this spiral of jealousy and desire. We get stuck thinking about how our lives are so awful and not what we expected and how does everyone else get so lucky to have it all? But in reality, that's not true.

"Every time you see someone's bright-and-shiny, remember: They have their own crappy truths too. Of course they do. And every time you see your own crappy truth and feel despair and think, 'Is this my life?', remember: It's not. Everyone's got a bright-and-shiny, even if it's hard to find sometimes."

A quote from the book.  Seems so simple but so incredibly hard.

Let me tell you, I've been stuck there before. I've been stuck there too often. I let myself become trapped. And I didn't want to escape that mindset.

But here, in the dark, at 10:47pm, a light goes on in my head. I literally wrote about this in my Word of 2018 post. And my word for 2018 is HOPE. I need to look at my life with HOPE.

HOPE that things will get better.
HOPE for God to give me strength and comfort.
HOPE in trusting God and His overall plan.
HOPE in understanding that I am beyond blessed in my life.
HOPE in knowing that the tomb didn't stay sealed and that Jesus has Risen!
HOPE as a confident expectation of future blessings based on facts and promises.
HOPE IN GOD.

One thing that honestly helps when you're feeling trapped in self-pity and despair - write down at least three things you're grateful for. Or write specifically about something you're grateful about from just that day. I know this works.

And I need to take my own advice and start doing this again. But in addition to writing down something I'm grateful for, I should start adding something I'm hopeful for, as a reminder to keep that HOPE. To understand that HOPE is the same, whether the day has brought joy or sorrow, triumph or tradegdy,  bright and shiny blessings or the quiet, hidden blessings.

Back to Instagram and social media. Maybe don't post only the perfect, edited pictures. Maybe don't strive to make it appear you have it all together. Post the struggles, the heartache, the frustration. Post the silly and undescribable. Post the love and the blessings. Post a little bit of everything. And maybe one day you'll be able to look back at all those posts and think, "Wow. My life was so much more, much more full, than even these posts can show." 

Holy Week in Grief

Holy Week. It comes every year. Lent is always one of my favorite seasons of the church. I appreciate the idea of embracing the darkness because in the end, Jesus will save us all. His light shines brighter than any darkness. No matter how bad you think things are. He will always win.

I've never experienced a Holy Week like this one. Ironically, it's not the first Easter surrounding the death of a loved one. Just one year ago, we lost my Grandpa during Holy Week. But we also knew that his time had come. I understood that his pain and suffering would soon be over, that he would be reunited with my Grandma again and stand in the presence of God. There was grief. But not like a shocking grief.

This Holy Week. There were a lot of feelings. A lot of thoughts about Austin. A lot of thoughts about what it all means, how it all works.

The message on Maundy Thursday was one of love. Throughout the last supper and that last evening, Jesus showed the same love to every single disciple, even Judas, who he knew would be betray him. Jesus tells us, "Love one another as I have loved you." His final commandment.

We will never be able to love as truly and deeply as Jesus did, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. It's not our place to judge others. Our job is to LOVE. All. Always.

I know this message. I think of it often. I remind myself of it when life gets hard and frustrating. But on Thursday, I felt ashamed because of that message.

I thought of Austin. The last few months we had. We had our differences and disagreements. I would get frustrated and angry. I wasn't living out that commandment. I should have been showing Austin love. He didn't deserve to be treated any differently just because we were having issues. He didn't deserve to be judged. Obviously I didn't know all of his struggles. I should have at least shown him God's love.

But I can't change that. And I'm ashamed of some of my actions. But what I can do is resolve to do better in the future. To treat those I disagree with or get angry at with love. Show them God's love and grace. "Love one another as I have loved you"

Good Friday. That was hard. I couldn't help but think of Austin at his ending. What led up to his ending. Did he feel abandoned? By those he thought loved him? By me? By God? Did he feel alone? And I think that he must have. He must have felt those things. And I can't imagine that pain.

I also thought about those of us who love Austin and who were left behind. "No chance to say goodbye. No way to ease the pain of parting." And this prayer: "For the times when we have not loved, even when we could, failing to carry out the simplest act of mercy, we ask the Father's forgiveness."

Then Saturday. The day that doesn't really get talked about. Unless your life is currently stuck in Saturday. Sometimes others will write something that so clearly states what you can't put into words. A friend, Kayla Becker, wrote something on Facebook that did just that: 

I’ve never really identified with the “Saturday” of Easter before. That silent day in between “Good Friday” and Easter Sunday. The day between the shocking grief and the stunning reality of what His brokenness healed. This Easter I’m stuck in Saturday.

We wear our grief like a cloak now. We’re no longer shocked and disillusioned. The weight of loss is just wrapped around us. And we are reeling as we try to put our lives back together around the trauma of loss. And I understand Saturday in a way I never wanted to.

We know the whole story. We know eventually the stone rolled away. The wounds became what healed us.

For as long as I’ve known the grief of the Friday of Easter I’ve also known the joy of Sunday.

But as for the ones actually written into that story, they didn’t know Sunday was coming. They didn’t know the stone would roll. The only knew the enormity of their loss.

In the blur of the visitation and funeral there are a few things people said that I remember vividly. One more than any other. Dear friends of ours wrapped their arms around me and said with more compassion and grace than I can muster...

“We know loss.”

And it was so simple. And it was so profound. When your heart is breaking, sometimes the most beautiful thing another human being can give you is the knowing. They were not indifferent to our pain.

And here they were years from the initial shock of it. And yet, it was still written into them. The knowing.

But in their knowing, I saw hope. They were not unscathed by their grief. They were not the same people they had been before loss. They did not pretend to be. But they knew something we didn’t yet. They knew Sunday was going to come. They used their wounds to heal.

And hasn’t that always been the way… brokenness is what heals. It’s the bridge between Saturday and Sunday.

I have not yet known heartbreak like this in my entire adult life. I am devastated. And I refuse to lie about that.

I won’t pretend this hasn’t rattled us. His death was traumatic and unexpected, and in ways we feel like we’ll never recover. I won’t pretend we haven't asked all of the hard questions. We lie awake at night, our faith deeply shaken.

I have exactly zero answers for all of the painfully difficult questions being asked. I won’t pretend that I haven’t questioned and tried to make sense of it. But it doesn’t make sense. It feels cruel and unfair. It feels painful, awful, and impossible. Because it’s still Saturday for me.

But the impossible beauty of living on this side of the Easter story is that I know eventually Sunday has to come. Even if I’m still living in Saturday. I know.

We might be shaken. We might be a bit like Thomas, begging to touch the wounds so we can believe it’s really true.

Sunday will come.
Wounds can be used to heal.
God is not indifferent to our pain.

Jesus is the bridge between the Saturday we’re in and the Sunday we believe will come.

And I don’t know if I’ve ever really been able to celebrate Easter in the way I will tomorrow.

Sunday will come.

As I was doing some reading, I learned about a Seder tradition of leaving a place set at the table for the prophet Elijah. "We have faith in his eventual return at the same time we acknowledge his absence. The empty chair at the table is both lament and expectation. His absence makes a very physical presence."

The presence of love and the presence of grief. Together. Acknowledge both. Welcome both. Leave the door open. Allow the emptiness a place at the table.

And then. Sunday. Easter. A day of celebration. Of rejoicing. To be honest, it felt odd to celebrate something so amazing as the resurrection of Jesus when I was still grieving the loss of Austin. Throughout the morning, I realized that I need to focus on where Austin is now.

In heaven! For eternity! For Austin, there is no more pain, no more tears, no more sorrow. There is only the absolutely joy of being with God! And that's because of the Easter miracle. The suffering has ended."The great promise of Easter had prevailed." Truly. Easter makes all the difference. And I can celebrate that.

He is Risen. He is Risen indeed.

Memories and Letting Go

It's been one month. One month since he's been gone. One month since every single thing in life was changed. 

Thanks to social media apps like TimeHop, it's easy to remember what happened on this day one year ago, two years ago, etc. A couple of days ago, this picture showed up in my memories... 

There was no caption, but I remembered exactly when this picture was taken. It was on our way to South Dakota. To drop Austin off at an inpatient treatment facility. I remember wanting to get a picture of Austin and Jacob playing so that Jacob would have something to look at while his dad was away. 

And then yesterday, another memory, an old blog post. Again, from one year ago. The Struggles of Addiction in the Family. You see, it was just one year ago that there seemed to be this shift of change in our lives. Although, we had no idea what was coming. 

When I shared this post on Facebook last year, I said it was a raw and rambling post. And as I re-read it, I could feel those raw emotions open inside of me again. Only this time, they were tainted. Tainted with grief, with unimaginable sorrow, with the knowledge that our story did not have a happy ending. 

Re-reading that post was painful. Painful to think about everything that happened next over the course of 12 months. Painful to think about things that were said or done out of anger. Painful to think about how much could change in just one year. Painful to think about how it all ended. Just one month ago. 

I so wish that Austin could have gotten his happy ending. I wanted that for him so much. I couldn't tell you what I thought the future looked like for the two of us, but I wanted him happy, healthy, sober and to be the best dad he could be for Jacob. 

Instead, those of us who loved Austin are left here to deal with this abrupt change; this abrupt end. There will most likely be so many unanswered questions. So much that we will never know. That is probably one of the hardest things. But at the end of that blog post from a year ago, I wrote this: 

"...let go and let God."

In fact, I even have that reminder tattooed on my wrist now. The only thing I can do is to let go of those questions and unknown answers. Let go of what I don't understand. And let God take control. Let God comfort me. Let God bring peace to me. Let God. 

And so that is what I must do. I must ask God to comfort me. To bring me peace. Because I do know that Austin is finally at peace. I know that he is in a better place. I know that he is in the presence of the Lord. 

*Untitled*

I've written a lot of blog posts. I try to be open and sharing about what's happening in my life. I try to make you feel involved. In the past couple of years, I've written about some hard things. Things that aren't fun or easy to share. Things that are difficult to talk about. But I did that because that was life. It's a constant up and down. Highs and lows. 

But this post. This post is one I never imagined having to write. 

Nearly one month ago, Austin took his own life. 

It was a Friday afternoon at work, when suddenly I was told that two deputy sheriff's were waiting up front for me. After a minute of confusion, I did think about AJ. I thought he might be in trouble. I thought maybe he was hurt. But when they told me he was dead, it was like breath left me. There was shock and confusion. Disbelief. I remember asking if his parent knew. I remember my dad (who had come to the office after my mom called him after the deputy sheriffs had stopped at the house first) going to my desk to get my things and driving me home. I remember giving my mom a hug and finally letting the tears fall. 

My mom had called a good friend who is also a pastor. She was soon at the house and I will forever be grateful for her being there with us then. I remember asking questions. Questions I always thought I knew the answers to but now was suddenly questioning. I remember asking if we could wait to tell Jacob. Wait until - I don't know - we knew for sure? It didn't feel real. I didn't want to tell Jacob. 

Telling Jacob his dad had died was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We had been somewhat open with Jacob about his dad and his struggles. We had told Jacob Daddy was sick. But now I had to tell him that his dad was sicker than we thought and has died. Jacob was confused and asked some questions, but he didn't want to see me or anyone else crying. He switched to his goofy self to try and cheer everyone up. 

And bless his heart, he's been the shining light in the darkness. He demands group hugs from everyone. He'll literally wipe away my tears and tell me to be happy. He'll joke and dance and be goofy to make us laugh. He'll give great big hugs. 

There's so much more that I could tell you. But what I will tell you is that I felt overwhelmed with the love and support from family and friends and people who didn't know me but knew AJ. The outpouring of love was exactly what I needed. People sharing memories that I had long forgotten or never knew. I clung to those. 

Because here where it gets complicated. AJ wasn't my husband. We were divorced. And while we were doing pretty good at co-parenting, our relationship wasn't exactly in a healthy place. And I'm struggling with that. 

The past couple of year, there has been a lot going on. And I've had to deal with everything that was thrown at me, as it was being thrown at me. There was no time to process anything, it was on to the next thing. Like I was trying to hold a million fragile pieces together. When AJ died, it was like those million pieces came crashing down on top of me. I wasn't just grieving his death. I'm grieving all those things that had been lost. I'm grieving the man I fell in love with nearly 10 years ago. I'm grieving our divorce. I'm grieving the person that AJ was before the addiction and mental illness took over. I'm grieving a somewhat strained relationship we've had over the past 9 months. I'm grieving for the loss of his battle, one that I also tried to fight. I'm grieving for the loss of any future that was taken away from us. I'm grieving the loss of Jacob's father. I'm grieving Jacob's future as he learns to navigate this world without his dad. And I'm trying to figure out how to help Jacob grieve on top of my own grief. 

I feel like I was slightly removed from AJ's life. But the force of grieve and loss has hit me like that wasn't the case. 

I don't share these things with you so you can feel sorry for me, I'm not seeking advice, I don't want to hurt anyone with my thoughts. But I'm sharing because this is real. This is my life right now. And maybe someone else needs to know they're not alone in their struggle. 

I am mad that AJ is gone. I am mad that his demons won. I still loved AJ, will always love him. I still cared deeply about him. I wanted him to get better. I wanted him to be the man that I fell in love with, that I knew he was capable of. But I also know that he is no longer in pain. That he is at peace. And while there are so many of us left here dealing with this loss, this pain, this unimaginable thing, he is no longer struggling. 

My Phone Call with Jacob

This is just one of those stories I feel like I need to write down it was so perfect and funny! On Tuesday nights, I have choir practice which means that I get home after Jacob should already be asleep. I like to call and talk to him when I get off work to remind him of this fact. Generally I'll call one of my parents' cell phones - whoever has Jacob. Last night I decided to call the house. This is what happened. 

[Small voice]: Hello.

Me: Hey Jacob!!

Jacob: *Gasp* HI MOMMY!!!!! I'M TALKING TO YOU ON THE PHONE!! 

Yes, you are! Did you answer the phone by yourself? 

Yes!! I'm talking on the phone to you Mommy!

Where's Papa? 

He's getting the mail. 

{This is where I start to wonder... Did Jacob answer the house phone by himself? Something he's never done? Or are Papa and Jacob teasing me?} 

Papa's getting the mail? So are you in the house by yourself?

Yeah, I'm talking to you on the phone. {Then he just starts talking away...} Guess what? I had school today and we made bird feeders! And I'm going to hang them up so I can see them from the window! 

That's awesome buddy! So, where is Papa? {I can't figure out if he's telling the truth or teasing me still....}

He's getting the mail. I was by the window. Mommy, I went potty. I'm talking to you on the phone. 

Wow, that's great!

Yeah, I went potty and I heard the phone ring and I yelled "JUST A MINUTE" and then I ran to the phone like Papa does and now I'm talking to you on the phone Mommy! 

{At this point I think he must be telling me the truth and I can't stop laughing.}

I'm glad you answered kiddo! {I hear some noise in the background and then Papa is on the phone} Were you just out getting the mail? 

Papa: Yeah, Jacob didn't want to come so I told him he could stand at the window and watch. 

So, he really answered the house phone by himself? 

I guess so! 

Then Jacob proceeds to tell both Papa and I all about how he answered the phone again, just chatting away like it was no big deal! My dad made a comment like, what do you expect? He's a big boy! 

While this is certainly true, it also makes me a little sad he's growing up so quickly. Although, the whole thing was super funny and super cute. Luckily, it was just me on the other end... guess we'll find out what happens if Jacob keeps answering calls! 

I just can't get over how nonchalant Jacob was, like this was something he's done dozen of times, not entirely sure why I couldn't stop laughing at him. :) 

2018: A year of HOPE

So this story actually begins back at the beginning of November. I was in a meeting with one of my bosses and we started discussing things like vision boards, resolutions, goals, words etc. that we set for ourselves in the new year. I explained my 2017 word and that I'd felt pretty successful about the year. I admitted I hadn't really thought about what 2018 should look like yet, but I wanted to do something similar - a word to focus on. 

Just a day or two later, I was at the Women's Leadership Conference. There were vendors set up and many of them had stickers available to add to your name tag. I think it was probably the first booth I stopped at, asked me if I wanted a sticker. I randomly picked out the word hope because I liked the font. :) 

Later I stopped at another vendor, a Christian book and decor store and entered my name into a drawing. I mean, that's just what you do at these things, right? To enter, I had to put down a word of inspiration. Well, hope was still on my mind so that is what I wrote. During the afternoon session, my phone buzzed. I had won a prize and to stop by and pick it up when I could! During the next break I went to check it out. I had won a 2018 planner and the word on the front cover? HOPE. I started to get the feeling someone was trying to tell me something. :) 

The word stuck with me. I planned to do some more scripture reading to see if I could figure out why this should probably be my 2018 word, but things got busy and I didn't really ever get to that. But I didn't forget the word either. I decided to make it my 2018, even if I wasn't entirely sure why this was my word.

It wasn't until right at the end of the year, having it confirmed on January 1, why HOPE needed to my 2018 word. 

As I thought over the past year, I was happy with goals that I reached. But it was also a hard year. There were a lot of frustrations, a lot of dark times, a lot of struggles. They had to do with a variety of things... the divorce, job searches, being a single-mom and even other little unimportant things.

During those times, I was often in a bad mood. Angry, hurt, depressed. Whether or not I confided with anyone about what was going on, it usually showed through my actions. In fact, I can point to more than one occasion, when someone was trying to cheer me up, I literally said out loud I would rather be in a bad mood. It felt easier. I wanted the sympathy, I wanted to dwell in my self-pity. I wanted to be in the bad mood. But I also know that's not healthy. 

One of these occasions was when I was lamenting about hitting the deer and having to deal with all the car insurance stuff. Well my mom - ever the optimist - wasn't going to let me get away with it. She immediately told me to take out a piece of paper and start writing down the things we were all thankful for as a family. Week-long visits from Meg. That I wasn't hurt in the accident. Being employed. Having a washer and dryer. Strawberries (Jacob's). 

While it takes a shift in mindset to do this sort of thing, it always makes you feel better about your current situation. This, I realized, is what I need to be better at in 2018. 

I'm still going to have bad days, struggles, stress. I'm still going to feel overwhelmed or resentful sometimes. That will never change. But what I can change, is how I choose to look at those situations. Or how I choose to focus on gratitude instead. 

When looking at the definition of HOPE, you may think that the word OPTIMISTIC might be a better word for what I'm trying to achieve. And while that is a word I'll try to focus on as well, I think HOPE is more encompassing. 

During those dark times when nothing seems to be going right, I can be hopeful that it might be a learning experience I need. And maybe even try to see what that lesson might be right then. During times of anger or resentment, I can hope for things to change. And if I'm focusing on hope for things to change, I'm probably going to be putting in more effort to make those things change. 

This is not where I saw my life taking me. And in all honestly, I'm not at a place I want to be at. I want more (even if I don't know what that is most days...). HOPE is my reminder that there can be more, will be more. HOPE is my reminder to have a better outlook on life, on specific situations. And HOPE is my trust in God and His plans for my life.