One Year Later

I have officially been at the YMCA for a year now. My annual review paperwork has confirmed this. :) I can still remember coming across the job opening on Facebook... Graphic Design and Marketing Director. I felt a pull, a call to a "real adult job". I quickly applied and when it took awhile to get back to me after the interview, I started to fear I didn't get the job. It was then how much I realized I really wanted a shot at this position, to better myself and to get back to doing more of what I love. But I did indeed get the job. And this first year on the job has been like none I have ever experienced, nothing I could have imagined, and completely amazing. 

Going back real quick to my "real adult job" comment... I've been in the professional world for over 10 years now. I've held a number of jobs - some I've loved and others I've tolerated. I have been fortunate to work across a number of sectors and have learned a great deal. But many of those jobs were for coordinators or assistants. There's nothing wrong with this and this is how you learn and grow as a professional. This job at the YMCA felt like it could be my first grown-up job. Obviously that's silly since I've been an adult for some time now, but I felt more importance tied to this role, more responsibility, more leadership. And in all honesty, I finally felt that I was ready for this type of role, this higher position.

Looking back at previous jobs, I can see how they were all the right job for that particular time in my life. Looking back, I can see how much I grew and learned from those previous jobs. Each one, each supervisor, each co-worker played an important part in my journey. And I am so grateful for that. 

Four years at Wartburg College drilled into my head this idea of finding my calling. And since I've graduated, I've struggled with that idea. I've struggled to put a name and identity to my calling, my vocation. It wasn't until 2015 that I thought "I think I've found it." It was then I got a job doing communications for a local nonprofit. Not only did I love the work I was doing, I felt like I had a purpose in life. My work was helping others. That was one thing that always seemed to be missing previously. I loved that job. Unfortunately, for a few reasons, there came a time where I needed to find something else for awhile. 

So when this job opened up, I saw it as an opening back into the nonprofit world. A world that I had missed, a world where I felt purpose. After a year on the job, I have that feeling again - that feeling of purpose, of meaning. It makes the work I do so much more enjoyable. 

One of the best parts of my Graphic Design and Marketing Director position is the variety. This is what I've always enjoyed about most of my jobs - that every day looks completely different, not the same thing every single day. And this job seems to be the best compilation of skills needed. So in case you have no idea what it is exactly that I do, let me take a minute to tell you... 

I get to be creative!! I spend my days creating graphics for social medias, flyers, events, brochures and program guides. I am the official Y photographer for all programs, events and every day activities. I write - letters, emails, newsletters, press releases, various content for marketing pieces, etc. I manage the upkeep of our website, which always seems to need updating. I manage mailing lists and advertising information. I've done more video producing this year than in my past 10 years combined. I help manage our social media accounts. I've become the point of contact for our new reservation system and mobile app. I make sure everything is following the Y's brand standards. I provide marketing support not only for the Y, but for the many programs we offer - mentoring, camp, preschool, STRIDE, fitness and wellness, aquatics, after-school, membership, the skate park, our annual campaign, etc. 

I keep busy. I often have a long list of projects that need to be completed. My door is always open as people tend to just stop in my office when they have a new request. I'm always multi-tasking on a few different things. But let me be very clear here: I love it.

I love the busyness. I love the long lists of projects. I love the challenge of having much to accomplish. I love the feeling of finishing a project or a job well done. 

After a month or so on the job, I found myself getting into a groove. I was finding my footing, making plans for what I wanted the role to look like moving forward. I had some new ideas and great momentum working with our marketing committee. But by March of this year, everything got derailed. 

Suddenly, I was doing a job I had no idea how to do; a job I never imagined having to do. I was learning how to be a marketing director for a gym and nonprofit during a world pandemic with no previous or specific experience to rely on. Obviously, we were all in this sort of position, but that does not take away from the challenge it was. We were making adjustments in real time, finding ways to stay connected to members while our doors were closed, basically just trying to stay above water. Things I had planned couldn't happen, projects I was working on were no longer needed. It was a complete shift. Honestly, it was not the type of curveball I was expecting from my first "real adult job". :)  

Looking back on the past few months, I am proud. I'm proud of our team for everything we did and continue to do. I am proud of the work I accomplished. I'm proud of how I grew in the face of the challenges in front of me. My word of the year for 2020 is Bloom. I feel confident in saying that I feel like I have flourished in my professional world. I stepped up when it was needed and continue to produce strong work. All of this is why this job has been so amazing. I feel a sense of purpose; I feel challenged; I feel myself growing; I feel grateful for the job. I am happy. 

And on top of all of that, I work with some of the most amazing people.  

So one year later... I am as excited to come into work every day as I was on my very first day. Maybe more so! I am happy. I am fulfilled. I feel a sense of belonging. I feel like I have found my calling. 

The One Where I Turn 35

 I am about to turn 35. 

My sister (jokingly?) asked about a month ago if I was starting to freak out yet. Apparently, according to her, I had a mini freak out before turning 30. I don't recall such a thing happening, but hey, I am getting old.

But she did get me thinking. I am about about to turn 35. Should I be freaking out? And if I should be freaking out, what should I be freaking out about exactly? Nothing really sprang to mind, but I decided to take stock of where I am in life. So here we go.

I am about to turn 35. I live in my parents' basement. I have lived in my parents' basement for five years. I have an amazing and smart seven year old boy who is my whole world and who I let sleep in my bed with me because he is the best at snuggling. I am divorced and widowed, although I sometimes question the widow thing because of the divorce thing. I am incredibly blessed to have my family - both my Minnesota family and my Iowa family. I also have some seriously awesome friends that I don't know what I would do without. 

I love sleep. But then I often stay up way too late finishing a book or writing down my random thoughts (like this blog). I go to therapy, fairly sporadic over the past five years, but hopefully finally making this commitment to myself and going on a regular basis. I could probably lose some weight, I think about it often, but I love sweets too damn much. I'm a creative person who loves writing, doodling, singing, journaling, photography, designing. Also, huge bookworm. 

After over 10 years in the workforce, I am at a job that I truly love and enjoy. A job where I can create, where I am challenged, where I am respected and where I feel like I can make a difference. I have a church community I love; a place where I feel like I belong, a place where I can be involved and a place where I can share my gifts. I've worked incredibly hard over the past five years to arrive to this place where I am within reaching distance of being completely debt-free. 

I am stubborn and bossy. I'm discovering I've become very independent over the past few years and I like this. I'm very opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. I may comment on political posts on social media more than I should. I care deeply and love hard. I sometimes feel like an introverted extrovert. I've been told over the past few years that I am strong, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that. 

I love fall. And October. I love orange and pink. I love sweets and Dr. Pepper. Thunderstorms are my favorite. I could sit all day in front of a fire or a body of water. I love reading and all kinds of music. I have a thing for pillows. I like playing video games and The Sims. I might be slightly obsessed with Friends and have probably seen every episode dozens of times. I miss traveling. I sometimes feel like a romantic at heart and at the same time realistic of the fact that life is not like the books I read or movies I watch.

Sometimes I’ll stay awake at night to watch Jacob sleep, marveling at this person I created, holding my hand to his head, absorbing this overwhelming feeling of love. Sometimes I’ll wear one of AJ’s old sweatshirts and think about all that I’ve lost. And I sometimes cry pretty easily at books, movies, music or TV shows.

I’m about to turn 35. And I am a very different person now than who I was just five years ago. My 2020 Word of the Year is Bloom. And I’m trying to apply that to myself. I am trying to open myself up to discover who I am today. I want to learn more about this person and figure out how to love myself as the person I am today. I’m reflecting on the events of life that has brought me to this point in life and that have made me this person. 

So. 35. I think I'm doing okay. I think I'll save any freak out until I hit 40... :) 

Love Is

 Over the past year or so, I've thought about this blog post a lot. What I wanted to say and who I wanted to write it to - you or Austin directly. But the last few months have thrown everything else out the window. Until today. 

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Last year, I wrote a blog post about the day and considering just sharing that again today. But then as I was looking through my Memories on Facebook, I saw this post from my Mom. 

I clicked the link to listen to the song. And immediately fell apart. 

Music is a powerful tool. 

Which reminded me of why I'm now writing this post. 

After Austin passed, his high school graduating class decided they wanted to collect money to commission a choral piece of music, written and composed in Austin's memory. (If you don't know, Austin was a choir director and a damn fine one at that.) And that's exactly what they did.

They reached out to composer Connor Koppin, who is also a Wartburg grad. And in turn, Connor reached out to Brian Newhouse, a poet he's worked with often on different pieces. 

Here's where I want to tell you that not only was this a perfect and amazing way to remember and honor Austin, but the process of the entire thing was very much needed for us as Austin's family. It was cathartic in many ways. And for that, I am so grateful. 

Brian reached out to us as family and asked if we would mind having a conversation about Austin and why this piece was being commissioned in his memory. It was during that conversation, that some real healing started to take place among us. For me, at least, it also felt like this piece was being created for a larger reason. During that call, Brian told us a bit about his personal life and it was like an immediate connection - Brian would have the right words for this song. 

A few weeks later, we got a copy of the music, along with a digital recording of the music and parts, but no voices singing along. Even as someone who can read music, I had a hard time putting the music and words together. But the more I listened to the music, the more I read the words, and the more I sang along, the more I fell in love. 

STOP here if you aren't interested in my interpretation of the music or if you want to listen to the song yourself first. Skip to the video at the end of this post.

 

While I surrounded myself in the music and lyrics, I couldn't help but think how beautiful the music and composition sound. But I also recognized that it an extremely hard piece of music. It was not a song that most choirs would be able to pick up and have ready within a few rehearsals. But I liked this aspect. I thought 'this is totally Austin'. First, he would have enjoyed the complexity of the music, the challenge for his choirs. And second, his life was not easy; it was hard and complicated. And you can feel that in the music. 

To me, this song feels like a letter to Austin. We're telling him all these things - how we carry his name and love fills our hearts. And as the music changes, it's like we're yelling these things at Austin because he's no longer listening to us. Then the line "so that one day you may sing" is so quiet and peaceful - Austin finally listened. And he was finally free. And we can praise God by singing holy, holy, holy because he is free from pain and sorrow. He is singing again in heaven. 

Here are the lyrics: 

A river carries your name through every bend of my heart.
May this love named for you, return to you.
Swarming your shadows to the depths of the sea. 
A river carries your name.
A new sun rose on the day of your birth.
It floods each acre in the fields of my heart.
Let this love bind your shadows.
Let this love bind your shadows, send them reeling into silence. 
So that one day, you may sing:
Holy, this breath is holy.
This living holy.
This love, holy, holy, holy. 

And here is the premiere performance of "Love Is" by the Tipton Chamber Choir from March 2020, with an introduction by Brianne Magill.

I apologize for the quality of video; I was holding my cell phone and Jacob may have been whispering to me during some parts. :) 

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, you are not alone. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255.  

Once a Butter-nutter, Always a Butter-nutter

 After 151 years of ministry, Our Saviour's Lutheran Church in Butternut, Minnesota has closed its doors. 

Our Saviour's was my home congregation, my first church. It was such a huge part of my life growing up and shaped me in many ways to the person I am today. I created life-long friendships, questioned and grew my faith, sang songs of praise, welcomed new members into families and said goodbye to loved ones. It's where it was ingrained in me to always volunteer to help clean up after events, clearing the plates of others and getting the dishes done. It taught me to lift high the cross. 

The church has never been about the building. But I can't deny the many memories made inside this particular building. A small country church, surrounded by corn and soybean fields. It's completely true what they say - Once a Butter-nutter, Always a Butter-nutter. (I think we were going to get hats that said this one year... haha!) 

Below are some of the memories that I never want to forget when it comes to Butternut. It will forever hold a very special place in my heart. 

• This is the church I was baptized and confirmed my faith. It is also the place where Jacob was baptized. My siblings were baptized and confirmed here and my younger sister had her ordination service at Butternut. My mom grew up in the church as well, baptized, confirmed and then married my dad in this one place. It was where we said goodbye to my Grandma and across the road is where she and others rest with the saints. 
• I grew up going to Sunday School, gathering before it started in the social hall. I remember that on your birthday you got to put a special offering in the little church piggy bank. 
• I spent each summer going to Vacation Bible School (VBS). My Grandma and Aunt Missy often helping. And Barb a constant in anything related to youth. 
• Thursday night of VBS we spent walking the ditch and eating supper. But Friday was always everyone's favorite day - water balloons and water guns to end the week. 
• VBS was filled with music and crafts and of course snacks. We would get to climb the large tree out front when it was time to hear the story of Zacchaeus. And a tent would often get set up and moved around the grounds for other story times. I think I remember one time trying to rig a system so we could lower someone into the tent from above - can you name that Biblical story? 
• Games of Red Rover and basketball took place outside. 
• When we were little, we always sat in the back row of church, my siblings and cousins and Grandpa. He would always have gum for us. As we grew, we moved to the very front of the church. There was still gum. And one memory of Daniel when he was still very young standing up on the pew during a song, slipping and hitting his forehead on the pew in front of us. 
• I remember the Halloween parties that took place in the social hall each year. Games and treats and fun! A "cake walk" near one end, one of the Sunday School rooms where I blindly put my hand in boxes to feel "eyeballs" and "brains". And the Big Kids who would set up a haunted house down in the basement. I'm going to be honest, I don't think I ever made it down there! 
• The Christmas Program growing up was also a fond memory each year. The large tree up front, waiting excitingly to see which part you would have - sheep? Angel? Mary? A wise man? Singing our songs in front of the dress in our fancy Christmas outfits. But my favorite part, and I'm probably not the only one, would be when Barb brought out the large birthday cake and we all sang Happy Birthday to Jesus. And ate cake. And the goodie bags filled with peanuts and other treats. 
• As we got older, monthly Luther League meetings, which always included needing to remind the bus driver that this Wednesday we needed to be dropped off at church please. Meetings were filled with fun and more snacks. These were by far some of my favorite times with friends at church. One Wednesday, they had just mopped and waxed the social hall, everything was cleared out. We held a game of sock hockey. 
• And one Luther League Wednesday every year was spent decorating the entire church with all the many Christmas decorations. The large Christmas tree, the garland hung from the choir loft and up along the railing. Setting up the Manager, with its green grass roof and wooden figures. 
• We would go to camp in the summer - Shores of St. Andrew and Green Lake Bible Camp. Spending a week away with strangers and away from our parents, swimming in the lake, worshiping in the beautiful chapel, sleeping in cabins, riding out some storms, playing games and singing songs (like Baby Shark...), doing skits and eating in the hall. 
• And even before camp, the car ride there would just as much fun - often we were driven by volunteer members of the congregation and we knew how to make those rides entertaining. Gettin' Siggy with it! 
• Easter Sunrise Services, led by the youth. Some of these services started in the cemetery across the road, which usually meant freezing in our Easter dresses and watching out for snakes. Then always the big pancake breakfast. 
• Confirmation on Wednesday nights, switching between Our Saviour's and Faith in Madelia. Racing to get the big red pillows to sit on and filling out the Sunday sermon notes. Small groups with our leaders, sharing our highs and lows from the week. I can remember one week sharing my low of failing gym class. Yup. Or maybe it was just a test. Making our own stoles with felt and then standing in front of the congregation, on that Confirmation Sunday. 
• As I got older, I joined the church choir, with Grandma directing and never taking any crap from anyone. She knew how to get the best out of all of us. I always felt like an adult when I was at choir practice, listening to all the real adults talk about whatever it was they talked about. 
• Each summer we would do a week-long service trip. One year was always more local, a trip to cities to volunteer and help out at different nonprofits. Our regional trip included a week of white-water canoeing, which isn't something I ever thought I would enjoy, but had one of the best weeks ever. And even a trip to Guatemala, where we did various service projects and learned about the history of the church in Guatemala. 
• And before we went anywhere, there was always a group picture in front of the church, around the sign. And many scrambling to climb to the top to sit for the picture. 
• We started a praise band that sang praise songs once a month and my love of singing grew. One of my favorites will always include Shout to the Lord with Krista next to me and Lauren jamming out on the piano.  
• It was in the church social hall that I had my first cup of coffee; where I ate many meals - including a full Seder Supper one Lenten season. 

The church is definitely much more than just the building. It's the people, the memories, the service, the music, the Word of God, the connections, the love. And the vision of Our Saviour's was always much larger than just our small country church. And while Butternut may just be a place on a map, being a Butter-nutter will always be so much more. 

Happy 7th Birthday Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my favorite boy. 

Waking up this morning, it was the first time that I have not spent your actual birthday with you. Instead you have spent the week in Iowa at the farm with Nana and Papa and your cousins. And from the pictures and videos I get, you have been having an amazing time. 

I love watching how close you are with your cousins, how well the three of you play together. It's so fun to listen to where your imagination brings you. You're all at such a perfect and fun age right now. 

It's hard to believe it's been seven years since your dad and I welcomed you into this world. And as I look at the boy you've grown into so far, I can't help but be amazed. Amazed at who you are. To me you are perfect. 

It also becomes more and more apparent how much of your dad you've inherited as you continue to grow. You have his love of talking, his great use of facial expressions and his flair for entertaining/acting. 

You are clever and funny and goofy in all the right ways. You make everyone laugh. You make everyone fall in love with you. You are kind and caring, despite your continuing allegiance towards the "bad guys". 

Your current obsessions include Superheros and Villains - Marvel, DC, Transformers, Skylanders - you love them all.  You've also gotten into gaming (which your dad would LOVE) Your favorite games are Lego DC Villains on the Nintendo Switch and Skylanders on the Wii. You still love swinging and swimming. You're working on mastering your bike, but you LOVE the pull-behind tandem bike we've added to mine. You would spend all day and every day in your PJs if we let you. And you have no problem wearing PJs that are three-years too small. You love all things chocolate. And you still love books and reading. 

And oh boy, your reading. Your reading skills grew fast this year and I love listening to you read books to me. I also love listening to when you "read" a book, but make up your own story. You are a very good story-teller. 

You were doing so well at school with Kindergarten and it was fun to watch you learn and grow. COVID-19 of course threw things off track and you finished the year with distant learning, having me, Nana and Aunt Meg as your at-home teachers. But even through all of that, you continued to thrive and learn. You also absolutely got use to being home and the only kid around the rest of us adults. :) It was not how I imagined you'd graduate from Kindergarten, and even now, we don't yet know what this fall will look like when you start 1st Grade. But I do know that no matter what, you will continue to grow and learn and thrive. 

Every single day I am thankful for you. I'm thankful for your smile and your giggles. I'm thankful for your hugs and your cuddles. I'm thankful for your questions and curiosity. I'm thankful for your imagination. I'm thankful that I get to catch glimpses of your dad in you. I am so thankful for the pure joy you bring to my life every day. 

Happy Birthday, Jacob. You truly are my favorite and I love you, so much. 

Rollercoaster Day

Today was a rollercoaster kind of day. I've managed to stay away from the toxic social media stuff for two days now (yay me!) but was feeling anxious this morning. Today I was planning on spending the entire day in my office at the Y. The first time since late March. The first time I hadn't spent at least part of the day at home with Jacob. 

There was a lot to be done at work. We were working with a temporary deadline of opening the Y on Monday, May 18, although none of us really believed it would happen, we wanted to get the building ready so that we could open by then. The biggest thing stressing me out this morning was signs. Seems like it should be simple enough but I promise you, it's complicated. 

After a video chat with a co-worker, I realized that I had an even more urgent problem that needed to be taken care of before signs - our website. My freakout shifted to this new project. In our conference call at the end of the day, I got the green light to make the website my priority and could feel myself take a break, relax a bit. The day had been long and I'm not even sure I accomplished much of anything other than adding more projects and anxiety to my plate! But I left the Y with a bit of a spring in my step. Tomorrow would be a new day.

Then, I got a text from a co-worker. It said "Gyms opening June 1st". 

I've got to be honest, I started to freak out again. Yeah, we were working towards this temporary deadline of Monday but without any real conviction. June 1st was an actual hard deadline. And it's a deadline that we need to meet. And I don't know what you do for work, but you can't just reopen the doors of a business and have everything the way it once was. So much has changed. So much needs to be done. We're working on a reopening plan but it's not done. We need to get the website done, a new reservation tool in place, equipment moved, new policies decided, the list goes on and on and on and on... 

And June 1st seems like it's right around the corner. 

In addition to that, I was told that Jacob had a mini meltdown during the day because he missed me and I wasn't around. The kid's gotten use to me being there! Even if I was always working on my computer. Luckily, no one told me of his meltdown until I left work! :) 

But it's like the train is suddenly moving fast. I was hoping to gradually start transitioning back into working from the office full time, but with such an important deadline, I feel like I have no option but to be at the Y as much as possible until June 1st. Once we open and we figure out how this new normal will work, that can be relaxed a bit. But just as quickly as Jacob's life was changed when school closed, it's changing again with me going back to the office, but him still having no school to go to. It feels a bit... like I'm off balance, maybe? 

I don't know what the next two weeks or so are going to look like, but I have a feeling it's going be intense. Which is also disappointing as I wanted to commit to a more slow season. So bear with me. 

Bear with everyone. Be kind. We all need it. 

A Break

It's hard to believe that we've been in this "new" state of normal for almost two months now. And while we've created new routines and some things have become easier, there is still much that we struggle with, much that we don't understand. And we try to prepare for some sort of new future that we don't know what it will look like or when we might see it. 

It's exhausting. And heartbreaking. 

And it doesn't help that those feelings only exacerbate all the other fear and pain and sadness you were already experiencing. It's a lot for anyone to deal with. And what's worst is that we often feel as if we're dealing with it all alone. 

But nothing could be further from the truth. I listened to a really good sermon yesterday that reminded me that no matter what, God is already here. He is already present. He is always by my side. Instead of seeing him clearly, I let my fear and pain and sadness cloud my vision. 

I've been struggling with some things lately and today I decided I needed a break. A mental health day. And I'm grateful for family and a boss and a job that will allow that to happen. I spent the day off my phone, off social media and instead spent it feeling safe from the world in my room. I spent it talking with God. I spent it getting lost in a TV show. Any by dinnertime, I was feeling better. 

I still had no more answers that when the day started, I still had all my struggles and fears. But I also felt the comfort of His presence. 

After dinner, I opened a book that I've been reading on and off for some months now. And it has been months since I've picked it up. And on that very first page, the author talked about living in a season of slow, often due to pain or suffering. But that when we live in a season of slow, "you quiet down all the outside noise so God's voice can become the loudest voice in your life." (Lysa Terkeurst, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way") She goes on to talk about how she took a break from social media, from reading the newspaper, from certain activities. 

It was exactly how I had spent my day. And I realized that maybe this has to be more than a one day thing. Maybe I need more of a break so that I can slow down, so that I can be quiet, so that I can connect with God and listen to what He has to tell me. 

And so I'm going to try. I'm going to take as much as a break as I can from this world and live in the quiet. Now, I realize that as a Marketing Director, I'm not able to stay off social media entirely or avoid what's happening in this world. But I can limit it. 

I'll still do what I need to do in order to do my job. I will still use social media to connect with my family and friends. But I'm not going to spend endless hours scrolling and getting caught up in what others have to say. I'm going to be more mindful of these slow times we're living in right now to spend that extra time with God. 

Please know that I still want to connect with all of you. Especially during times like this, we need those connects. So please, keep sending me your Snapchats, posting pictures on Instagram. Keep Facebook messaging me and let's keep doing those video chats. Or even send me a text or give me a call. I might be a bit slow to respond, but I will. 

 

April 22, 2020

It's been a while since I've written an update. 

Like many of you, I'm slowly adjusting to our current normal. There are definitely some days that are better than others. 

I enjoy the 'commute' to work each day, the fact that I don't feel rushed each morning. I'm glad to have a full kitchen to find lunch each day rather than going to a gas station or drive through to find food. The always available snacks is another issue... 

I'm grateful for having a lot of family under one roof. They've been extremely helpful with Jacob and not only his distance-learning, but just helping him get through a day where he doesn't sit in front of screen the entire day because I get caught up on work. The past couple of weeks, we've spent Friday nights watching Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals on YouTube. We share a meal almost every night. We get on each others' nerves. :) 

I've enjoyed quite a few video chats and online game nights with family and friends. The warmer weather is very welcomed and getting outside for a walk makes for a nice break. 

I sat in a meeting this afternoon as we start to discuss what reopening the Y looks like. And I think what hasn't hit me yet, what I haven't allowed myself to think about yet is what our world will look like as we start to open things back up. There will still need to be many adjustments and changes and things will not look the same. And I do feel some fear when I think about how that will look, hence why I've avoided thinking about it. 

It make me sad Jacob won't have a chance to go back to school to finish the year. The divisive political fights exhaust me. I miss seeing friends, family and co-workers in person. I probably give Jacob way too many hugs and for way too long because I'm unable to hug other people I care about. 

How are all of you hanging in there? 

COVID-19 Quotes & Memories

I'll be continuously updating this post with memories, quotes and short stories I want to remember from our COVID-19 Days.... 

--
*At a fairly crowded grocery store, we ran into some family
Me: "...yeah, Dad is home sick today."
Jacob (rather loudly): "Yeah, he has the coronavirus!"
Me (slightly horrified): "SHHHHHH, you can't say that sort of thing!" 

--
After coming home from a long day at work where we announced a temporary closure...
Dad: So, are you out of a job?
Me: Who, me? No! I've never been busier! I might not get paid... but I've never been busier!
#nonprofitlife #communicationsdirector

--
After reading a work email on my phone, I sighed fairly heavily. Jacob looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you get fired?!" 
No idea what prompted that! Haha And no, I did not get fired!! 

--
Some of Jacob's new independent playtime activities have included the King of the Coronavirus and bad guys stealing our internet.... 

--
Nana was helping Jacob with some school work. They were having some issues with technology and the internet and Jacob kept asking to take a break. Megan came down to check on them and said, "Maybe you should take a break before everyone gets crabby." And Jacob promptly says, "That's what I'm looking for! I needed Megan to say we can take a break!" :) 

--
Jacob has weekly check-ins with his teacher and a small group of students on Google Meets. The other day, they were doing a "role-call song". Jacob decided I needed to play along so I got to sing with the group! "I see... *whispering*, Jacob, what's the name of one of your friends??" hahaha 

--
While helping Jacob with his school work, Megan said, "You know, you could be done with this assignment already if you quit being silly." And Jacob replied, "If I didn't get the goofys from my daddy!" True fact. 

April 8, 2020: Letting Go

I just finished reading a devotional from She Reads Truth. And there were a few parts that really hit home for me. Especially today as Governor Walz announced he is extending Minnesota's stay-at-home order until May 4. 

There are a lot of thoughts and opinions out on social media regarding our current situation and the actions we either are or aren't taking. I don't need to tell you that. People have things to say. Many believe they alone are right. Many people see this through a lens of "this is being taken away from me". 

And this is where today's devotional felt timely. 

As adults, there are things that we hold most dear. It varies for each person. "But when someone tries to lay a hand on our precious commodities, you better believe we can still throw a toddler-size tantrum. Our fists close tighter and tighter around the stuff that gives our lives meaning." 

Are you feeling similar right now? Do you feel like the things in your life that give you so much meaning are being taken from you? 

Maybe this is a clue that we've lost sight of the only one who can bring true meaning into our lives. 

The devotion goes on to say that throughout the Bible, there are accounts were God asks people to loosen their grip for the sake of the gospel. One is the story of Abraham, asked to sacrifice his son. Another is Mary of Bethany who gives without being asked, anointing Jesus in perfume. 

The question I found myself asking (myself) is do I struggle to hand over what I think gives me meaning, do I struggle to hand over a false idol, do I struggle to hand over whatever it is God is asking me to hand over? Or can I give freely? Ask yourself the same question. Do you have an easy answer? 

"We must loosen our grip on earthly things and focus our eyes on heavenly things."

To me, this parallels what we're being asked to give up with this stay-at-home order, with businesses being closed, gatherings cancelled. It's hard to loosen that grip on the routine of our daily lives. It's hard to make such drastic changes and with such little time to prepare. 

But just as God would ask "people to loosen their grip for the sake of the gospel", we are being asked to loosen our grip for the sake of others. We are being asked to trust our leaders, trust the experts. By staying home, by social distancing, by limited contact with others, we are savings lives. We are providing necessary time to allow additional resources to be found and prepared. We are making a difference. What is being asked of us is not easy and yes, there are consequences. But to me, those consequences have solutions that are easier to find than allowing thousands to die and our healthcare systems to be overrun. 

What is that you're still trying to hold on to? What would it look like if you let it go temporarily? What happens when we take the time to remember that Jesus is the true meaning of our lives? 

Remember, God gave up His own perfect Son as the Lamb on our behalf. My behalf. Your behalf. Rejoice and rest with that thought. And Trust in Him. 

March 27, 2020

I wasn't going to post anything today. I haven't felt much like sharing. Today was hard. Today I felt distracted, unfocused. I wasn't present or on top of my game by any means. I was probably pretty close to the bottom of my game. I struggled. All day. Many times I felt on the verge of tears. 

Today was Austin's birthday. It's hard to believe this is the third birthday we've had since he's been gone. 

I recently saved an article on Facebook that I saw pop up on my newsfeed. Full disclosure that I have not read it yet. But the title was "That Discomfort You're Feeling is Grief". And it was like something clicked in my mind. Yes, that is what I've been feeling these past few weeks. There is much to grieve about our current situation. Our lives have been uprooted, they've changed so quickly with so little time to prepare. We must adapt quickly to this new life, this new normal. And so of course, we grieve how life was. We grieve the lost of normalcy. We grieve what has been taken from us. 

And so I think that all of that grief only intensified my grief for Austin today. Because in many ways, I think the grief of COVID parallels the grief I've experienced from the loss of Austin. 

He was gone too quickly. It was so abrupt and we were not prepared. All normalcy was suddenly gone and we were left to figure out how to adapt in this life with Austin gone. And two years on, I still struggle. I still grieve what was taken from us, I still grieve that life will never been the same without Austin. I grieve that Jacob has to adapt to this world without his dad. 

It's been a rough week all around. We continue to watch this pandemic grow. We watch as some of our leaders are working hard to do what they can in the situation and we watch as some of our leaders continue to fail us. We watch as we see how this pandemic has thrown into view much of what is not working in our current system and we struggle to agree on ways to address the growing needs. 

In Minnesota, we received a shelter-in-place order for two weeks and extended closure of many businesses, including the Y. So we struggle with what this means, how we will make this work, we struggle with the enormous amount of questions that arise and so few answers. 

At the Y, we struggled this week to quickly prepare ourselves to work remotely from home. This meant upgrading and adding new technology that many are not familiar with and must learn on such a short timeframe. We struggled with how the organization will look after being closed for nearly two months. We struggled as we try to make sure we're staying as connected to our members as we can be. We struggled. Or at least, I struggled. 

And damnit, as I write this, I find myself needing to find some good in all this. Is that what happens when you have two pastors currently living the the house? In the midst of all the struggle, I can see how people are coming together, how people are supporting one another, how people are connecting with one another. We've always had this technology to keep us all connected but it's not until it's our final option that we seem to finally be using it. I've had video happy hours over the past week with friends that I don't connect with nearly enough. I've been able to connect with church members with live Facebook videos and groups to keep us connected. I've felt connected to different communities as we come together to help those in need. 

So yes, the grief is strong. But there is still much to be grateful for. There is still good to be found. But I'm also going to give myself some grace and know that it's okay to feel that grief. It's okay to let that grief consume you, but only for a little bit. 

My mom read this devotional and made me a copy a few weeks ago. And I think that's how I'm going to end this post. Today I am grieving. Today I am sad. Today I am missing someone I love. Today my coin is grief-up. 

March 22, 2020

When you're on Plan C... G? I? You let the Holy Spirit guide you. Thankful to be a part of this.

COVID-19 March 18, 2020

I saw this quote on Twitter yesterday

Every day represents a day like we’ve never had before. 

It could not be more true. When the conversations first started about the possibility of social distancing and isolation and self-quarantines, much of the talk seemed to be around "this is a time to slow down". What a perfect time to reconnect with your family, call up friends you haven't talked to in a while, play some board games, read some books, enjoy the outdoors. A chance to be still in God's presence and connect with Him. 

It sounded almost glamorous. A welcomed retreat from the world. An opportunity to breathe. And I was looking forward to being able to have this type of experience. 

But in reality? While so much has halted, I have never felt busier at my job. I have never felt so frazzled and overwhelmed with information coming at me from every direction.  I've never felt such an urgency to make sure I'm doing the right and best thing for Jacob. 

Suddenly, in addition to my own work, I feel obligated to collect as much information/resources as possible to provide Jacob over the next few weeks. (Please know, that I am extremely grateful for all of the resources that are being provide online and by our amazing teachers!!) I need to find him a place at the house where he can do some of his school work and activities. I need to clean my house! Because now that we're suddenly going to be spending a ton of time, I realize just how dirty and messy it is. I feel the need to put a schedule into place for Jacob, to limit his screen time, to keep him busy but with purposeful and meaningful activities. 

"This is fine."

While the Y has closed its doors temporarily, the job has not stopped. Communication to our members has never been more important. Creating resources to manage the chaos is essential. Creating resources to stay engaged with our members needs to happen right now. And every day, we have more questions and no answers. The situation is so fluid. 

I try to take some small comfort in knowing that literally everyone else is having the same sort of struggles. I try to remind myself that this is not a time for judgement but a time for grace. Grace for myself, grace for others. 

"Into the unknown!!!"

We are all, quite literally, heading into the unknown. And so, let's do this together. Let's be supportive of each other. Let's not judge each other. Let's show each other love and kindness. 

And while there is much fear and worry of what happens next, we must remember that God is with us. He is always here. And He will provide comfort. 

COVID-19 March 16, 2020

It's hard to know where to start. We're living during a time like none other before. The use of social media and apps like TimeHop will be helpful in remembering all the events that have led us to this current place. Because that really is a beast of its own. 

I've decided what I want to do is blog my personal experience during these COVID days. It has been insane how quickly the situation continues to change, day by day and hour by hour even. 

I was suppose to take a trip to Seattle, leaving March 26. If you were to talk to me just one week ago, I was still fairly confident that I would be going. But by Wednesday of last week, that started to falter and then it faltered quickly. We have postponed the trip. 

On Friday, Gov. Walz held a press conference letting Minnesotans know he was "opening the toolbox" to make sure we had all our tools prepared and ready to go when we need them. By Sunday, he held another conference to state that all schools would close by Wed. March 18 for two weeks for educators to prepare for long-distance learning. Tonight he's announced certain closures for bars, restaurants and other businesses. It is a crazy, crazy time. 

For me, I work at the YMCA. I'm the Marketing Director. It's a whole team of... well, me. I have to admit that it wasn't until Friday of last week that I realized, "hey, I'm the one that's responsible for coordinating and managing all of our communication out to members as the Y makes some tough decisions!" Ha ha. I can honestly say that I never imagined being in charge of an organization's communication and marketing plan during a worldwide pandemic. Why don't they teach you to prepare for that sort of stuff in college?!? 

The days are not necessarily 9-5 right now. (even now I can hear my phone chiming with the sound of incoming emails...) Some of the excitement started in on Sunday night, needing to make some announcements. And it extended into today. I have to add here that today was, if possible, even more chaotic than it could have been. Our Executive Director was home with the flu (awful timing!) and another senior manager was on her way back from out East. It's hard to make decisions when some of your leadership isn't readily available. But, we made it work. 

But once we decided what we finally wanted to say, we weren't ready for the questions we were going to get. It was a reminder of just how difficult and confusing this time is right now - for everyone. There is no roadmap, no template on how to do this. We're making it up as we go. 

Many of the questions we were getting was about membership. For our already busy membership director, things were going to get worse. And so one of the accomplishments I was proud of today was creating a standard response that could be sent to all members, directing them to our website where they were asked to fill out a form with their specific membership update request. We got the form created and online and are hopeful that it will help us process the requests in a more timely manner. 

I also needed to add a section to our webpage where we could continue to update members on different programming and such. One central location they can go to see everything we've had to say so far, and see how quickly it continues to change. 

Tomorrow, we plan to create some sort of form that will work for our different programs as well. Anything to make this process a bit smoother. 

I also sent out a social media plan to the office staff, asking them to start brainstorming some specific ideas for their areas on how we can stay present on social media while the Y is closed. 

It was an exhausting day. And it made me realize that if this was an exhausting day for me, I can't even imagine what it's been like and what it's going to continue to be like for our healthcare professionals, for our elected and community leaders, for those that continue to work on the frontlines of this. All I can do is lift those people up in prayer and ask God to provide them the strength they need. 

Today was also Jacob's first day with no school. Luckily his Aunt Meg is home for a couple of days and was able to take care of today. Once we got word that schools were closing, we started to plan some activities for Jacob. I downloaded some learning apps on the tablet. He was so excited to "homeschool". He said Meg was the teacher and that Papa was the principal. But that he didn't want to be sent to the principal's office (which was the bedroom because Papa is currently out with a cold). Haha. 

Even this morning, when I was in the shower, he came into the bathroom and sat on the floor with the tablet and said, "I'm so excited to learn!" He's too cute. 

But Megan did a great job with him today. They stuck to a schedule, Jacob had limited screen time and they even did the Doodles with Mo Willems! How fun! 

I've been extremely impressed by the number of companies offering up free online educational services, or virtual museum tours, or fun activities to help with the kids while they're home. Social media is proving to be a key factor in keeping us all connected while we're not together. 

February is my least favorite month...

February sucks. I've never really had a least favorite month, but I think February is rising to that spot. 

Two years ago, in February, Austin took his life. That day will forever be one of the worst days of my life. It changed everything. It altered our future. 

Leading up to the start of February, I could feel this thing lurking behind me, something big, dark, heavy. It would move closer every day. I could feel a physical, mental and emotional shift happening to me. 

I can only assume this is grief. 

And this grief feels like it's literally clinging to my back, weighing me down. I can feel the extra weight, exhausting my already drained body. It sits in my brain like a heavy fog, making my mind think a mile a minute of all the 'what ifs' while at the same time, think nothing at all. It's wrapped around my heart, constraining it, leaving me feeling on edge and on the verge of a hundred different emotions at any one minute. 

Add in the fact that February is generally cold, dark and cloudy, well, it's not a good combination. Add in any number of the other worldly events/challenges/disasters/bad news, and it's almost unbearable. 

It's only February 4, and it feels like this month has been dragging on forever. 

So, I could do what sounds easiest, comes easiest. I could write my blog. Pour out my feelings of grief. Sit and wallow in my grief, stay lazy and not doing anything, ignore my real world responsibilities, let things slide for the month. And oh boy, believe me. That is what I would love to do. 

But I shouldn't. I can't. It's not fair to Jacob and it doesn't help me. So what am I going to do? 

I'm going to plan some mini-adventures for Jacob and I. A hotel stay or maybe a visit to Aunt Meg. Get us out of the house on the weekends. Visit new places. Or old places. Spend more one-on-one time with Jacob, playing together or reading together. (Not just allowing screen time while I nap...)

I need to take some breaks from social media. Or at least spend less time on social media, fretting over the state of our nation. I need to start using my Y membership. I need to start using my lunch breaks to walk. Bring Jacob to the Child Watch or Pepsi Rec Room while I start working out. I should start a bedtime yoga routine to help me sleep better. 

Let's see if I can start making some of these changes to get me through the month. And if I do, what's stopping me from continuing them after this month is over? 

Sometimes I suck at blogging...

Ha! 

Life comes at you fast. One moment, it's the middle of fall and I'm working two jobs and the next moment, it's 2020 and I have a completely new job! So let's recap, shall we? 

My last update was in August. So we'll pick up there. 

We of course got another State Fair trip in. You just can't finish summer without going to the State Fair! The food!! :) It was a bit rainy, but overall a great day. 

Jacob is loving Kindergarten. He has an amazing and supportive teacher and is really thriving. The year started a bit rough, with Jacob having some of the same issues he did the year before on concentrating and staying on task. We decided to start up the daily check in/check out charts that he did in Knights Plus. These have 100% helped keep Jacob focused. It solved the behavioral problems we were having and really keeps Jacob on task. He is bringing home 100% on his charts pretty much every day. I'm very proud of him. 

When it comes to reading and math, Jacob is rocking it as well. His teacher told me at conferences last fall that Jacob is in the advanced reading group, often getting future sight words ahead of time so that he stays challenged. It's so much fun listening to him read books to us. He also loves math and is probably more advanced here too, mostly because we tend to make Jacob do more math at home and create our own problems for him. He is a smart cookie. It's also fun to see the different art projects he brings home and how his talent is evolving - and his imagination! 

In September and October I once again took on a part time job at Fun.com. I was hoping to use the extra cash this year for Christmas shopping and such, but ended up spending most of it on unexpected dental work I had to get done. Super fun. It was another crazy season and I've promised my family that it was my last season at Fun.com. I've told everyone to hold me to this next fall! :)  

We did manage to get some fall fun adventures in though! We spent a day at the Center Creek Orchard, which was a lot of fun for everyone there, except my Dad. We also got a trip into the Minnesota Zoo before school started. We went to the Children's Museum's Dig It Event, where Jacob got to climb, ride and even help drive some large equipment. It was so fun to watch him explore and play. His Aunt Megan came for a visit in October as well and did some fun science experiments, visited the local history museum and spent some time outdoors. Jacob really enjoys his visits with Aunt Meg! 

For Halloween, Jacob was spoiled with two costumes (Thank you, Fun.com employee discount!). He was a red devil for his school party and then for trick or treating, a very scary angler fish! That costume was a hit and even won Jacob the Most Creative Costume prize at the Rec Center party!

Jacob and I had a weekend adventure in November, full of fun! We started on Friday night at the Razzle Dazzle Light Parade in Madelia, a reading festival and some time at the Pepsi Rec Room at the YMCA on Saturday morning. We saw some huge dinosaurs at Jurassic Quest that afternoon and ended the day seeing Frozen II. On Sunday, we hit up the Mall of America and explored the Crayola Experience. It was such a fun time of making memories! 

Jacob also lost his first tooth in November!! On a Friday night he said, "Mommy, guess what!? I have a loose tooth!" and on Monday, I got a picture from school - Jacob had lost that tooth! He was super excited for his first visit from the tooth fairy and even slept in his own bed that night! (Woot!) He's growing up quickly. 

The holidays and December weren't anything special. We were fortunate to spend time with family, both in Iowa and Minnesota. And that's truly what matters most. I did make one change this year and decided not to sing at the Christmas Eve services at CTK. My mom had made a comment that Jacob should spend Christmas Eve in Iowa because the rest of us spend the entire day at church and that's not fun for a little boy, and that he needs some sort of tradition. And it stuck with me, only I didn't want to spend Christmas Eve without Jacob! So we created a new tradition! On Christmas Eve, we celebrate Grinchmas! We went to church and spent the day hanging out in Whoville, watching the different Grinch movies and having ourselves a Grinchmas Feast! 

And to start off the new year, we took a family vacation to Hawaii to celebrate my mom's birthday! We spent the week on Maui, exploring, going on different tours and spending plenty of time at the beach. It was a much more relaxing vacation that our last family trip (Disney World) and I think everyone agreed they'd visit Hawaii again. In fact, Jacob already wants me to start planning our next trip there. For next week. ;-) 

Now January has come and gone as well, but the year is off to a good start. Work, school and all is going well. Jacob has started swimming lessons at the Y and he goes to those on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I'm not sure if it was because we had just gotten back from vacation and spending so much time in the water, but Jacob is really thriving at lessons. He's dunking his head in, jumping in and really starting to get the hang of swimming. It's been a blast to watch. 

And in other news.... 

Also in November, I stayed true to my "two years per job" tradition and started as the Graphic Design and Marketing Director at the Mankato YMCA. To say I was excited for this new adventure is an understatement. 

I am so grateful and appreciative of my time at Eide Bailly. I worked with an incredible team, made some great friends and learned a lot. And looking back on my time with Eide Bailly, it was absolutely the job I needed at that point in my life. It was a secure job that paid well and had great benefits. But it was also a job where I wasn't the one in charge. I didn't have to make the big decisions, I did what I was told. And this is exactly what I needed in this time of my life with so much else going on. Some days it took everything I had to focus on work. During this time when everything else was falling apart, taking all of my energy and focus, I needed a job that I could come into every day and be told what to do from 8-5 and not leave at 5 still thinking about work. Eide Bailly gave me that. 

As time went on, I would be asked what I thought my future looked like. Asked how I wanted to grow in my career, what my next move was going to be. And I honestly didn't have an answer. I felt stuck, unsure where to go next. Yet I started to want more, I just didn't know what that was. 

One day I saw a Facebook posting for a job at the YMCA. Graphic Design and Marketing Director. And it was like this fire was ignited inside of me. I read through the job description multiple times. I couldn't help but think this is the perfect opportunity. I applied and received a call about an interview the very next day. I interviewed, I thought it went great, I became even more excited for this prospect. But then I didn't hear anything. And I realized just how much I wanted this job, because of how disappointed I was thinking I didn't get it. Luckily, that wasn't the ending. I did get a call again and was offered the job. I accepted. 

I started in early November and I can honestly say that I love this job. Not a day goes by where I doubt my decision to be here. Each day is crazy busy, full of variety, and allows me to be creative in ways I haven't been in years. It's overwhelming and challenging all in a good way. In the short time I've been here, I've been pushed professionally, helping me grow and be better. And when I say that my To Do List is never-ending, I am not exaggerating! 

I love being back at a nonprofit. I love feeling like I'm making a difference. I love being able to see my work come together and make something. I love the team of people that I get to work with every day. I love their passion and their enthusiasm. I also love their support of me in my position.